Pain
by Kerschi-Puky
Summary: Someone was and still is hurt badly
1. Chapter 1

He saw raindrops running down the window. They sat in the dinner. Neil wasn't really on the ball, instead he was thinking about a survival plan for the possibility his Dad might come back next days. Okay, there wasn't any evidence that he would do so. After his wife has died in his arms, he had changed what made Neil a bit anxious. He hadn't heard from him since weeks. Sometimes he asked himself, if his Dad was okay, maybe he should have gone with him, and maybe he should have tried harder to hinder him from telling his mum about the seeker, it might have prevent an ending like that. His Dad was the reason why he had come home. After he had finished his second semester at Harvard University he got a call from Kurt who asked him to come back, because his father was freaking out again. Now here he was and his Dad somewhere in Arizona. He hadn't been able to change his father's mind.

"Hey earth to Neil!" Sarah dragged him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?" okay, he hasn't listen to what Kurt was telling them and yes, again he wished he had, because when he looked at Kurt he was glad that glances couldn't kill.

"What was that important that you missed my wonderful lecture about the development of new sentients which could be able to destroy the world?" Neil could hear thatKurt lost patience with him.

"Nothing, I'm sorry." he answered with a subdued voice.

"Neil, we don't have much time, you know that and despite this, Angela still is missing and your Dad is on a holyday trip, so could you please pull yourself together?" Kurt asked sarcastically.

This was the last straw. "Okay Kurt, if you think this whole situation is easy for me, you thought wrong, I have as well problems to deal with it as anyone else. Despite, I don't think that I would consider my Dad's situation as holiday trip and I just would like to remind you that there is a lot other fucking shit I have to concern about despite the lives of 6 billion people I give a shit about in the moment." he spoke these words, hard and cold into Kurt's face, stood up and wanted to go. Again he felt the huge weight of the burden his Mum left with her death. Holding everything upright alone wasn't that easy, as well as all his attempts to bring his father back to normal or the thing with Marc. After he went to Harvard everything become more complicated as it had been before, because now he wasn't home everyday to watch his Dad or to help him, what gave him a bad feeling, but he had decided that his life couldn't only turn round his Dad's. If he thought honestly he had to live two lives, one in Harvard and one in Texas, both meant a lot of hard work, and both took everything from him, everyday. When he was in Harvard he had to take charge that here everything was going its normal ways and when he was here, he had to work for his studies. Sometimes he only felt, as if he was running out and today was one of those days.

Sarah held him back; although she had enough problems on her own she tried to help him. Sometimes Neil felt miserable when he thought about what hell Sarah had to go through and the fact the he wasn't even able to cope with his own life, while Sarah even had the strength to help others. He just was weak and he wasn't more than a child, he was sure about that now.

"Can't we help you in somehow?" she asked him.

"No, thanks, but it's something between my Dad and me." he took his jacket and went out the door. Kurt and Sarah were following him.

"You know that it could last sometime until Chuck comes back, so you have to put up with us." there was no trade of charge, as it had been a few minutes before.

"No." Neil didn't want to talk to someone else about family problems. He was fed up enough with the thought that he has to tell his Dad, as soon as possible.

"Just give us a few words?" Sarah encouraged him.

Neil knew, about her curiosity, must me something like an occupational disease.

"It's a potential motive of murder." he answered short. He was sure that they didn't know what to do with it, but he hadn't count on Sarah.

"Marc?" she asked carefully.

Neil was shocked, when she spoke this name aloud. How did she know about it? He had no answer for this, no idea how he could come out of this catch. Kurt looked with an Is-It-True glance at him. It seemed as if hours passed, until he found his speech again and another hour to think about what he can answer.

"Neil?" Kurt asked him keeping on.

"Yeah, Sarah is right. Satisfied?" There was no reason to lie, he wasn't good at it, and so he better omitted an attempt to do so. Yes, he was pissed off and he was sure, that the other two were able to see it. He wasn't pissed off that Sarah had looked through him. He was pissed of because he had allowed her to do so.

"Okay sounds as if we go for a drink to mine and remember, I know were you live, you'd better don't even try to drive away." Kurt tried to threaten him. Neil hated it, when he developed taste for something, especially when it was about Neil himself.

He sat on Kurt's sofa, not really in the mood for talking. Kurt offered him a drink, but he rejected.

"What's about your brother?" Kurt began. Neil still was thinking about a way to by-pass this topic. Then he looked at Sarah and realized that she would figure out if he lied. He had to admit defeated, if he wanted to or not.

"Okay I have evidence to think that he had something crooked running, before he went off." he hoped that would be enough information. On the other hand, how could he be naïve like a child and think he could feed them up with one sentence?

"And what do you mean with something crooked?" Sarah went on with the interrogation.

"I don't know." Honestly, that was only the half of the truth. He could think about, what the things he had found could mean, but he didn't give this thought space to develop. In somehow, he was afraid that this thought could become true.

"Don't you know or don't you want to tell us?" Sarah again asked, but carefully.

"I really don't know." he just wanted this situation to come to an end. He didn't like such situations, when someone tried to talk with him about family. They were just not supposed to know about it, nobody.

"Then you can tell us, what gives you evidence to think so." Kurt began to become inpatient.

"Don't you think that you go too far sometimes?" Neil asked him in a harsh voice. It wasn't Kurt's business to judge about his brother or him, and Neil didn't want to give him any reason to do so.


	2. Chapter 2

"Neil…" but Kurt got interrupted by Neil's cell phone which rang. Neil couldn't think about anyone who would call him at this time.

He took the call and went into Kurt's kitchen to be able speaking alone to the person on the other side.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"_Neil, it's me. I need your help please."_

Neil was completely dumbfounded, by the voice he had heard. If he hadn't been sure that he wasn't on drugs, he would have freaked out, but sober and here in Kurt's apartment he had to stay calm.

"_Neil I know I have done a lot of shit, but please. I can't manage on my own to solve this situation."_ he began to beg when Neil didn't answer.

"Okay, where can I find you?"

"_Docks around midnight and could you please go into my old room, under my desk you'll find an envelope, could you take it and hand it to me?"_

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do." Neil still wasn't sure about the meaning of this call, when his brother finished it. He only was sure about his bad feelings in this case.

He saw Sarah's and Kurt's faces, not only questioning, also worrying. When Neil looked onto the polished metal sheet in Kurt's kitchen he saw, the reason for their faces. This call had drained the whole colour out of him. This call had changed the whole situation. Maybe he had to tell them, because after what he had found in his brother's room, he wasn't sure how far he could trust him. Also he could be sure that they wouldn't react like his father, who would call him jealous. No, it really was better if they know, because there might be a new way to find Angela. Neil had a feeling as if they were closer to her, than they knew. Maybe they missed the wood for trees.

He let himself drop onto the sofa again and began to tell. "Okay, I've found photos of the last mission, which my Dad sabotaged and a report about him: what has changed, where he goes frequently in his free time and with whom he meets frequently and so on. And because of a little stamp, I'm quiet sure that he had faxed it to someone, but I don't exactly know to whom. But if my memories don't deceive me, I can only think of one person who could be interested in something like that."

"And about whom do you think?" Sarah wanted to hear the end of the story.

"About my Dad's boss, Cynthia Hodge. He told me that she knows more about the Cadre that she even might be part of it and she hates him. And when this is the truth, we might have a new problem to solve." Now he had told them everything he was thinking for weeks.

"And you didn't see any reasons to tell us earlier?"

"No, because I wanted to be sure." he defended himself.

"And now you are sure about it?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah. This call was my brother. And he wants to meet me and he wants this envelope. I don't know, but this is very different from the first time. I mean he never called me or wanted me to help him after he was gone, and he went off earlier the first time and I don't think that my attempts to help him have let him stay longer." It was all true. Neil felt bad, because of this assumption, but there was enough evidence to think so. But he was glad that his father wasn't there, because he wouldn't have allowed him such a thought. Nevertheless Neil would have liked to explain this to him, before he went to the others. But is Dad wasn't there and he couldn't count on him.

"You really mistrust your brother, don't you?" Kurt asked him. Again Neil felt attacked by this question. He didn't mistrust his brother just for fun and no, this theory didn't grow on jealousy. Okay, it was true that sometimes Neil hated Marc, but not because of him, but because of his parents always worshipping him, even when he ran away likes a coward.

"Sorry Kurt, I wish I wouldn't have to okay?" he got up and wanted to go home.

"And what are you going to do now?" Sarah asked.

"I'll meet him and try to find out, what this all is meant to be, hoping that it isn't that bad, as I thought." he really hoped that this was just an accident, that his brother only looked after this envelope for someone else.

"Be careful!" Sarah called after him, when he went out of Kurt's door.

It still rained. Neil was glad that he got the former car of his mum, because with this weather it wasn't much fun riding on a motorcycle through Texas.

When he arrives at docks he parked the car and walked through the rain, until he saw a form. A shadow, from which Neil thought, it only could be his brother, because no one else would walk round the docks, if he could stay home. He got closer to his brother who stood under the light of a street lamp. Behind his brother he could see a couple of other people he didn't know. A bad feeling arose inside of him. It smelled like a trap, but he couldn't find out, if he now turned away and went off.

"Hey, what's the problem that you had to call me lately?" Neil began immediately. He didn't like this place; maybe because Kurt's synthetic does mischief here. He kept distance between him and his brother.

"I need this envelope." his brother stated.

"Why? What does it contain?" Neil tried to bring Marc out of his shell. He wanted him to tell him the truth.

"I can't tell you, but I really need this envelope." his brother came closer. To Neil it seemed as if his brother didn't like the distance, which Neil kept. This awoke his attention.

"Marc if you're in serious trouble you'd better tell me." he didn't turn his eyes away from his brother, or from the other persons in the background. He tried to figure out, who it was, but they stood in a shadow, what made it impossible to identify them.

But then he had to pay attention to a familiar voice who screamed "Neil, don't give them this envelope, otherwise everything had been for nothing."

He could make out from where this voice came. He was confused. It wasn't possible.

"Marc, what the fuck is this here?" Neil screamed at his brother.

"I would call it a little exchange." his voice became cold and calculating.

Then Neil saw three people walking into the light, two huge men and one woman, blond, smaller then him.

"Angela?" he asked confused. What the hell was going on? Had his brother been a part of this, all the time?

"Neil please, don't give them this envelope." she begged him.

"Are you ready for a deal?" his brother asked him. "This woman's life, I guess you know her, against this envelope."

"Are you sick? What the fuck are you doing?" Neil had to play for time. He was thinking how to solve this situation, but he got no clued or?

He turned away, as if he wanted to go, but still having an eye on his brother. He could see a shadow walking after him, one of the men who held on to Angela. That was good, because he was sure that Angela could cope with one of them and Neil knew his brother too well. He wouldn't get involved into a brawl.

"Neil!" he heard Angela screaming, he turned round when the man ran over him. He hit the ground, but before the man could catch his arm, he had time enough to throw away the envelope. He tried to free from the man's caught, but he had no chance against him. Then he heard a shot. Panic arose. "Angela!" he screamed.

"I'm okay, hold on." she had been able to purloin the men's weapon.

He saw her running towards him, followed by three other men. Neil was sure that they two couldn't cope alone with them. He pulled his whole strength together and kicked the man into the face. He fell lifeless to the floor. Neil got up, looking for the envelope. He found it picked it up and saw four men coming from the other side.

"Everything all right?" she asked him.

"Not really. Okay listen, take this and the keys." he took the contents of the envelope and gave them Angela as well as his keys for the car.

"Neil? You can't do that." she responded. He could hear that panic arose inside her, but this was the only chance they had, to save her and the envelope.

"Yes I can. The car is on this other side of this building, okay?" he wanted to know that she understood his plan.

"But, if they see the envelope in your hand…"

"That's the point okay." he interrupted her. He was completely calm, but didn't recognize it at this point of time.

Angela just nodded, she understood. "Then, run. See you." he called after her and headed to the opposite direction, Angela had to go.

He knew they would catch him, but it didn't matter. He had to save Angela. She must have been through hell and back and he didn't expect more from her. It would have been impossible. Also he was thinking of Kurt, who now could stop blaming himself for Angela's disappearance. From the second he had seen Angela he understood why his brother pressed for him handing out the envelope. They had gotten the wind of their activity and wanted to stop them.

In these few seconds a lot of other thoughts ran through his mind. What his father was doing now and how he was, but no single thought was wasted for himself.

They got him. He was thrown to the floor. He hit the ground with his head. It must have been hard, because everything became black.

He would never be able to forget what would happen the next 3 weeks.

Kurt wasn't able to believe that it really had been Angela standing in front of him, in the middle of the night. He had driven her to the hospital, but despite a lack of sleep she was okay. When he brought her back to her home, she told him everything. That they didn't do her any harm, because her father was part of it, but that she was sure that Neil wouldn't have the same luck. Also she couldn't tell him, where she had been, because she never had seen the way to this place and wasn't able to identify it. She gave him the content of the envelope and he burned it in her fireside. They both agreed that this would be the best, this way they could prevent that anyone else would get this into his hands.

They informed Sarah. Maybe she could find out something, she had enough connection, but nothing. Kurt tried with desperation to reach Chuck, but his cell phone always had been switched off and nobody could tell Kurt, where Chuck could be. Angela informed the police and reported Neil missing, but they remained without success.

All three tried to think that Neil was all right, but inside they all wasn't sure. After all Angela had told them, this Cadre seemed to be ambitious and even willing to kill, if they had no other chance. Nobody spoke this thought out loud. Neil left a huge gap. Not only because he was the only one who knew how to deal with computers, sentients and technology. With his nature he was able to make them laugh, although their lives began to become more and more melancholic and their mission seemed to become more and more hopeless. He always found a positive side. Even after his mother's death he didn't fall into a hole like his Dad did. He remained strong, strong for their mission, but especially strong for his father. Yes, it seemed as if everything positive and all luck had been vanished and the whole surrounding turned into bleakness. When they met at Kurt's or in the diner, every passing minutes they were waiting for him to appear, with his cheeky smile and a stupid aphorism having up on his sleeve. But nothing like that happened.

The third week passed and they already gave up hope, when Sarah got a call from the hospital. Someone had admitted Neil to the General Houston Hospital. She felt relieved as if a huge burden, which had last on her shoulder over years, dropped down. She called Angela and Kurt and then drove to see after Neil, but what they found there was as scary as the fact that he had been missing over three weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor had called her, because it was the first number on Neil's cell phone which was responded. Then Kurt asked him what has happened, while Angela talked to the married couple that had found Neil on the road side, outside of the city.

Sarah became sick from the Doctor's report. It was a medical wonder that Neil was still alive.

Despite bruises, there were several gashes, probably caused by a blunt and rusty knife, and that some inner organs were badly injured, some because of the gashes, others because of heavy punches, maybe with a knuckleduster. A lot of wounds were inflamed, which made Neil's condition worse. Supplementary his knee was badly injured, because something pointed had stabbed through the knee joint. They would have to operate him a few times this week, because they had only been able to do a first aid OP, because of his bad condition. To the doctor it not only seemed like torture, for him it seemed as if they tried to slaughter Neil. For him it was incomprehensible, how a human being was able to do something like that.

"Can we see him?" Sarah asked the doctor, when he was finished.

"Yes, but he's still in a coma. But if his condition doesn't get worse, the next 24 hours, his chances will be very good."

The doctor showed them, where they could find Neil. They weren't allowed to go to him, but they could see him through a window. He was hooked on several IVs, machines, even on a respirator.

"Oh, my god!" Angela was done in. Kurt had to take her into his arms. Also for Sarah it was hard to see this, but she got used to it because of her job.

"I'm to blame for all this, I could have prevented this." Angela began to cry. She wasn't able to holdback her tears.

"That's not true. You told us, it was his idea. He knew what he was doing, don't blame yourself for that." Kurt wanted to comfort her, without success.

"How could he have known that something like this would be the result of his plan?" she screamed into Kurt's face. She felt miserable. If Neil died she won't ever be able to forgive herself. And how should she tell Chuck about this?

"Angela, he wouldn't want you to blame yourself for that. You know him longer than we do and so you should know that he would take the full responsibility for all that." Sarah said. She was right. Neil never blamed someone else for his decisions. He always took the full responsibility, also if it meant to take the trouble which was supposed for the whole crew. A long time she thought he wanted to make use of his position as super genius, but today she was sure that this wasn't the reason. No, he was Chuck Taggart's son: both would live and die for their crew. Sometimes she was thinking if she would do the same. She wasn't sure about that. She felt bad, when she thought back, how arrogant she had behaved in Neil's presence, only to give him the feeling that he was nothing more than shit. She had adopted Chuck's attitude, which meant: We all had to work hard to get where we are now, so you're nothing better than us. You only had luck, so you're nothing worth for this job. Chuck had been her idol, she always was convinced what he was doing was right. But after she got an insight, how he treated his sons, especially Neil, she began to scrutinize. Maybe his way to live and act wasn't the right one. All these doubts she had about Chuck Taggart and herself become clear in this little second.

Sarah and Kurt decided it was time to go. They didn't want to wear out Angela. Sarah asked the doctor to call her, if something changed and then they drove home.

Kurt decided to stay at Angela's, without arriére-penseé. He was worried about her and wanted to give her some comfort. Added to that he was glad that he had her back again and he wanted to spend every second of his life with her, he wanted to feel her with every fibre of his body.

Angela went to see after Neil everyday. Sarah and Kurt weren't able to convince her that she couldn't do anything for him. Maybe because she recognized that they also worried about him, as much as she did. After all necessary Ops had been done, Neil was able to recover and they were allowed to see him, without a window between him and them. Sarah got reminded of Corey. Neil lay there, quiet and peaceful, as if nothing has happened, as if he just was sleeping and would awake every minute. Sarah knew that this look was deceiving. Corey looked the same, a few days before God took him from her. These memories were the reason why she wasn't able to hold out long in the hospital. Angela was there most of the time, sometimes Kurt took her turn.

When Angela was home he had promised her to stay. He did all this to make her feel better, to take the blame from her shoulders. She was gone through so much since the last weeks, the last months. To realize that the own father might be the reason for the world blowing up must have been a shock to her and now this. He would have done everything for her, to make her feel better, everything, every time, everywhere. Kurt sat there and thought about his relationship with Angela. About the time, maybe the happiest time he ever had, together with Angela. Then he saw a slight movement in Neil's hand, then a stronger one in his eyes. It seemed, as if he was ready to wake up. He called for a doctor, while he stayed there.

"Hey Neil, it's me. Can you hear me?"

The doctor came and he was send out of the room. When he came out he told him, that Neil was in a stadium between coma and consciousness, that he was able to breath on his own now, but that they still had to put him on an oxygen supply. After Kurt asked what that was supposed to mean, the doctor explained that Neil still was very weak, but that the body fought against sleep, maybe be the first sign for a trauma, what had been expected, after what Neil had gone through.

Kurt went back to Neil, who slightly tossed his head about and mumbled inaudible words. Only sometimes he could make out a word like Marc and very often No or Dad, when he could figure out this word, he could have killed Chuck for not being there for his son, who obviously needed him. Now he had to stay. He had to remain strong for the person who had made his life liveable again. He would never be able to thank him enough for bringing back Angela. Neil had made him complete again. Without Angela he only had been an empty shell, full of depression and hopelessness, but that had changed from the second Angela stood in front of him. Now he felt that he was strong again, strong to hold up hope for the others and strong enough to help Neil through this hard time. Although Neil had driven him crazy in the last time and he rather would have liked to kill him, this boy didn't deserve this. Not after he had brought back Angela and not after all what he had lost through the last months.

It was as if Neil had a nightmare, but he couldn't wake him up. Sometimes when it become awful a nurse had to inject Neil a sedative to stop him from moving, because every wrong or strong movement could burst his wounds. Kurt remained with this tough boy, who maybe was stronger than the rest of them.

He opened his eyes only slightly, he hasn't had the strength for more. He heard a voice. No, not again. He tried to move, but he couldn't, he tried to scream, but his voice refused. He only saw shadows, it must have been them, but they won't be able to get anything from him. Then everything turned black again.

_He was in a dark and cold room. A door was opened and huge and strong man entered. Marc. He came towards him, with a big self-satisfied smile. He had a steal rod in his hand._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" Neil asked in a cold voice._

"_You'll see in a few seconds." With these words he thrust the rod with the whole force he could offer through his brother's knee._

_A sharp pain went through Neil's leg. He began to scream to let out the pain "What the fuck are you doing?" he screamed at his brother. He still didn't believe that Marc was able to do something like that. Sometimes he had thought of his brother of an asshole, but now it turned out that he was worse than that._

"_I only want to stop you from running away." he left and Neil was forced into another room, by two other men. He forgot the pain in his leg. His only thought was, fight. _

_He sat on a chair; he wasn't fettered, to what? He wasn't able to run, not even to stay. He couldn't defend, so he was easy prey. The light was hurting his eyes, while they asked him several questions, but he didn't answer. He saw his brother, grinning over his whole face, when he was allowed to punch his face. He felt his cheek bursting. It wasn't a punch with a bare hand. The others went on with this torture. After a while they stopped to ask him again, but still he hasn't lost his gift for insolent aphorisms, especially for persons of authority and respect. Sometimes he wished he just had piped down, but he didn't want to give in. After they understood that Neil wouldn't tell them something about his Dad or the others, they got a new idea. Neil was sure that it must have been Marc's idea, because nobody else of them knew about the fact, that Neil wasn't a normal teenager. They wanted a proof of what Marc had told them. Neil did his brother this favour and did, what even wasn't expected__from adults. He only did this for provocation. Yes, Neil could read mathematical equations, physical and chemical formulas or computer coding like other people read books. He already had been able to read some sentient coding after Harry had explained him how these codes where build and showed him how to solve them. He had found out that their basis always was the same only the constructions were different. Honestly, nobody knew about that, not Kurt or his father. He had hidden it. He had his reasons to do so. Only his brother made a big fuss out of the fact that his little brother understood NASA's physics. To satisfy his brother he passed the proof, but they still weren't able to get anything from him, not the slightest translation of a sentient, nothing. _

_They weren't happy about that, but he didn't change his mind even not, when the poured pure alcohol over his cuts and lacerations in his face and on his arms. He had bitten his tongue so that he wasn't able to scream. Inside he could have cried like a little boy, he was totally afraid, but he won't let them see. They went on with their torture. Sometimes they made a break, because they didn't want to kill him yet or to see if he had changed his attitude. Neil had sworn himself that he never would do betrayal of his father, no matter how badly he hated him. Neil was sure that he would die anyway, even if he had done what they want, they never had let him stay alive._

_After a while they came to the conclusion that Neil was a waste of time. Three men pushed him onto the floor, he tried to get rid of them, but he had no chance against super trained soldiers. Another one came over with an old, dirty and rusty, blunt knife. _

_He felt a hard strike in his stomach, the pain scattered through his whole body, he wasn't able to hold back, and he had to scream. The pain was that strong that Neil wasn't even able to breath. The pain was that bad that he didn't even recognized that the man lanced him, as if he was already dead. The pain was so strong that he didn't feel when the man repeated this torture a second and a third time. He didn't know what happened after that, but he was sure that this had been the last seconds in his life, which he felt as if it had been hours. He was sure that he would die. Honestly, he hadn't been sad about it. He wouldn't have to witness the world exploding a second time; he wouldn't have to bare his father's egotrip anymore; he wouldn't have to play a role for all, just for being right, for being what they want him to be. _

_All theses scenes ran through his mind again and again, all the pain he had felt went through his body, all the fear arose again. He had to fight against it._

Kurt had called Angela and Sarah and had told them. Now they didn't leave Neil alone, but Kurt took the main part. Sarah was looking for Chuck and Angela had to rest. She still was tired and he could see, how hard it was for her see Neil struggling from hour to hour.

One night Neil began to writhe with pain such awful that Kurt had problems with remaining calm, when he saw a clear liquid running out of Neil's mouth. Neil was screaming now, screaming for his Dad, who wasn't there, but he wasn't awake. He seemed to be in a trance or something else. Kurt took him into his arms, to let him feel that he wasn't alone and to calm him down. He had problems to hold him tight. Neil has had more strength left he had thought one could have after three weeks of torture. Kurt was afraid, that the wounds could have been burst by this strong movement. It took its time until a nurse came to inject Neil a mixture of sedatives and pain killers. Kurt could feel how the strength and the strain left Neil's body.

When Neil was calm again, Kurt had to take a break. It was hard to see Neil suffering like this, even for him, who thought of himself that, after he got Angela back, nothing could shatter him, but this was close to do so.

Angela came back. Kurt had called her, if she could come and take him home. After that he wasn't able to drive on his own. They decided to leave Neil alone this night, after this injection there wouldn't happen anything until tomorrow the nurse had told them.

"Sometimes I think it would have been better, if he hadn't woken up." Kurt said.

"How can you say something like that?" Angela was completely upset by this thought.

"You haven't seen through what a torture he's going through", Kurt nearly screamed, "and the only person who could help isn't there for him and never will be there for him." Exactly this was the point. It could all be easier, when Chuck would be there, but this way there was always the thought: how should they explain Neil that his father wasn't there for him, all the time, when he wakes up sometime?

"Kurt I understand what you mean, but don't you think that, if Neil had wanted to die, he already…had given up the fight?" she asked carefully.

"I don't know. I don't know what he would do or not. I mean I never would have thought he would go that far to save someone and now I see that I was wrong. So I think I'm wrong with everything else I have thought about this boy." he sighed.

Angela put her hand on Kurt's shoulder. Deep inside both were thinking if it hadn't been better, if Neil would have found peace. He had lost his whole family from one to another second, Holly let him down in a situation he needed someone like her most and now he was alone. Nobody was there to support him. On the other hand, the way Neil was struggling could only have been a sign for his strong will. His will to live and they had to help him, if nobody else was there for him, they had to be.

Again he tried to open his eyes. A strong light was hurting his eyes. He saw something white. Where was he? He felt numb, as if he had no feelings in his body. He appreciated that, after all the pain they have done to him. His sight became clear. He turned his head and saw a familiar face, but he couldn't assign to it.

"Hey Neil." this face said. He still wasn't able to remember who it was.

"Neil, it's me, Sarah." she said in a quiet and in a careful voice.

"Sarah?" this name seemed to be well-known for him, but he wasn't sure if he knew someone or if he just heard this name once.

"Yeah, Sarah Forbes, you know me." she sounded worried now.

His memory came back in a brainwave. He began to feel relieved, because when this person really was Sarah it might mean that he was far away from torture.

"Sarah? Yeah, sure. Sorry." he mumbled. He felt much too dazed, for talking in full sentence, but his head began to become clear.

"How do you feel?" she asked him.

"Don't know…I mean…" it was hard for him, to speak.

"It's okay. You're on strong medication, but I'm sure you're going to be better soon." she answered him, still in a quite voice, as if she was afraid to hurt him, by speaking aloud.

"Where…?" He hadn't to build a full sentence. She gave him the answer as if she was waiting for this question.

"You're in a hospital. Don't worry nobody will do you any harm"

He didn't answer. He had decided not to speak until his head was working normal again.

"Okay, I go and get a doctor, and you stay here. All right?" she said to him.

He took a deep breath. He felt relieved. He was saved. They were gone and won't try to get anything from him again. He still was alive. He wasn't able to think or to feel more. His only thoughts were that the torture had an end. No pain, no question, no brother who would try to kill him. At this point he felt sad. Sad because he wasn't able to see that Marc turned to the wrong side; sad that he wasn't able to see his brother's desperation even this time around; sad because he never thought that something like this could happen on earth. In somehow his view of life broke into billions of small pieces, as if it was shattered glass and that made him afraid. Afraid of all what could happen now, of the results, of the others.

Sarah wasn't able to express what she felt, when Neil reached back his full consciousness. The only thought she had was, try to keep him awake and that was, what she did. When she had found a doctor she was afraid, that Neil might have lost consciousness, but he still was fully awake. The doctor said that this was very good, because now they could be sure that he would recover, despite some restrictions. Neil never would be able to stress or move his knee, as he was used to before it was injured and the injuries they have inflicted to him with a knife would never heal completely, what meant he had to get used to a life with a crippled leg, nourishment restrictions and pain killers. But this didn't count in the moment. The fact, that Neil was awake and still alive was the only important thing now.

Sarah immediately called Kurt and Angela. This information took a load of their hearts. Chuck still didn't come back. His presence was important now, important for Neil. All knew he must have gone through hell and even worse, but they could be sure that he wouldn't talk about it to them. It had been hard enough to get the thing with his brother out of him. This here would get even harder. Neil was like his Dad. His feelings only existed for him, but not for others. He never talked to anyone of them how he felt about his mother's death or about Chuck's behaviour. Only sometimes when he was in rage, they could grab some pieces which gave them a slight impression how he felt. Sarah and Kurt each had tried more than once, to broach this topic, but without success, they always met with a huge and thick brick wall.

Angela had been the first of them who went to see after Neil.

"Hey, how are you doing?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"I don't feel anything in the moment, but I really appreciate that." his mind was clear again and speaking wasn't difficult as it had been a few minutes ago.

Angela had to smile. How Neil talked to her and looked at her, he seemed to be the cheeky monkey he always had been. Maybe he would digest everything better than they thought.

"I'm sorry." she began to apologize. It was an attempt to free her soul from a burden, although she knew that she would never be able to do so completely.

"For what?" he asked her, as if her didn't know what she was talking about.

"If I wouldn't have tried to stop you from handing out this envelope…" she broke off. Tears were running down her cheeks. A mixture of relief and guilt were their reason.

"Hey, don't worry. You're not to blame for that." he tried to calm her down.

"But I'm to blame for that!" she screamed at him. She hated it, if someone tried to take her responsibility from her to burden oneself with it.

"Okay, but I could have run faster and than they wouldn't have caught me and all this wouldn't have happened." he answered. He didn't want her to blame for his decision.

In the first moment Angel was upset by this, but then she had to laugh, because this only could be a sign that Neil was the old Neil, how he ever had been. Minutes of silent broke in. Angela had to tell Neil, who obviously had recognized that his father wasn't there.

"Ah… your Dad still is absent, we couldn't reach him." she told him. She felt bad about it, but they had to be honest to him.

"I know. I don't think that he comes back again. He said something like that." he answered in an indifferent voice.

It hurt Angela. She understood that Neil wasn't in the mood for talking about his father. She often had felt the same. For her it always had been hard, when she needed her father most, but he wasn't there for her. But Neil was stronger then she ever had been he could deal with it. This little conversation showed her that Neil was all right again and he would get better soon and everything could be like it ever had been, in somehow.

Neil still was weak, so they decided to come back another day. He needed to rest now.

In the evening Kurt came back. He wanted to talk to Neil alone. Kurt didn't believe that Neil was all right with what had happened, although he pretended to be and this could end up in a mess if nobody stopped Neil from burying it. The doctor had told Kurt that it now was important for Neil that he began to work on it, to digest it. But as far as the doctor could judge this situation, Neil belonged to those who burry things like that. He even had been able to act out a sham of that he was all right with it in front of the hospital's psychologist. Kurt could have laughed about this, because he did the same when he was a teenager, but this was much too serious to be kept deep inside. Kurt hoped he could make Neil trust him, although it could become difficult.

"Hey Kurt, what are you doing here?" Neil asked him when Kurt entered the room.

"I want to talk to you." he took a chair and sat down on it.

"About what?" Neil asked him, pretending as if he couldn't think about a topic, which needed to be talked about.

"Okay, you can take the piss out of a stupid psychologist, but I'm the wrong person for that." he stated in a determining voice.

Neil turned his head away from Kurt. "That's not your business." he answered cold.

"I think it is. Listen, your Dad isn't here and I can imagine that this is a fuck situation you're in. But you can't count on your Dad now, so you'd better talk to me, because it could take a bit longer, until Chuck comes back and then it might be too late." Kurt knew that Neil needed to be forced to talk about his feelings and thoughts. He had seen it again, when Neil was reluctant to talk about his suspicion concerning his brother. No, this wasn't going to be a picnic. Not for him and especially not for Neil

Neil didn't give him an answer, he remained silent. Sign enough for Kurt that he had touched a sore spot.

"The tactics of repressing might have worked until now, for every shit in your life, but this thing is too huge. It's going to destroy you, if you try to repress it. It never will leave you alone until it has taken every single bit of you." Kurt tried to make clear to Neil how important it was to talk, but he failed.

"Shut up Kurt."

"Okay, I'm done for today. You're probably too tiered in the moment, and I can understand you. But you really should talk to somebody, anybody, no matter whom, if you concern about yourself. And you should do that, just this single time in your life you should think about yourself, but maybe you're just too good-natured for doing so." Much too good-natured for this world Kurt thought inside himself. Sometimes when he had seen how Chuck treated his son, Kurt had wished that Neil was a bit more asshole like his father, but he wasn't and that was his problem. After his Mum had died he had forgotten himself and that wasn't a good basis for a life. He let his father treat him like shit. Nothing what he did was good enough for him, he wasn't good enough and Chuck let him feel that. And if this wasn't enough, Chuck had started with his comparison between Marc and Neil. Kurt was sure about Chuck just wanting to express his sadness about Marc having left and that he wasn't clear about how hard he hurt Neil with that, but sometimes it became visible to him how Neil suffered from that. He only wanted his father to feel better, to comfort him and all he got was another reproach, another out burst of rage to bear, another slap into his face. But he took it without saying a word. He had stopped defending himself against his father, only because he didn't want to hurt him likewise. For Kurt all this was sad. It was sad having to witness how hard Neil had fought for a relationship which never had and never would exist, only because his father seemed to refuse it.


	4. Chapter 4

When Kurt left, Neil began to feel like shit

When Kurt left, Neil began to feel like shit. He had allowed his brother that he could torture him this way; he had allowed him to take the last bit of honour he has had. If he hadn't allowed him to do so, he might have saved his brother from the biggest mistake in his life. Neil felt guilty, because if he had intervened earlier he had been able to interrupt theses machinations. He felt lousy because he hadn't seen the signs, which could have told him that his brother was in trouble. He felt like dirt, because they have treated him like that, because his father paid more attention to the dirt in their house than to him. He hadn't asked him once after his mom's death how he felt about it and he took Neil's appearance, support and help as granted as the appearance and use of dirt. He felt fear and loneliness, he was afraid of the scenes running through his mind every second, when he closed his eyes or every second when he wasn't able to concentrate his thoughts on something else. He felt lonely because the person he needed most in this moment wasn't there to safe him, wasn't there to give him comfort, wasn't there to bring him relief. He felt despair, because he had no idea, how to cope with all this on his own. Despair, because he had no idea, what would happen, if his father wouldn't come back and he won't see him again. He didn't want this being his last memory from his father. Despair, because he had no idea what happened to Marc in this moment. Would he go on with his new vocation or did they already get rid of him. What if Marc was killed by them and his father would come back? How should he explain his father what had happened? Anyway, what would his father think about him, when he found out what had happened? Neil was sure that his father would go berserk and that he would be cross with him. He would ask Neil what in hell's name he was snooping through his brother's room and again he would tell him that he was jealous and so on. Neil felt left out alone. There was nobody he could trust. When his brother was able to do such things to him, when his brother was able to mistreat him, what could the others do to him? And he knew what his father could do. He had to prevent this that was for sure. He never again would lay himself open to an attack. It would be the best, if nobody knew about his inside. Maybe it was good that his father wasn't there. Who knew what he could do to him. He had felt much too often that his father was able to do with him everything he wanted. No he had to turn off his feelings. They didn't do him any good, they hindered him of thinking. And if he talked about them he would be vulnerable and he had to pretend this. He decided that he only was safe when he remained for himself. 

With these thoughts he felt into a restless sleep, full of nightmares. 

Neil was released from the hospital. The doctor wasn't convinced if that had been the right decision; because Neil still needed a lot of time to recover. He still was weak and in a bad condition, but Kurt could persuade the doctor that it might be better for Neil to recover in a familiar surrounding, with one restriction: Neil should stay in bed most of the time. Silently Kurt was hoping that Neil would be able to talk about what has happened when he was home. When he picked him up from the hospital, he had doubts himself. Neil became thinner than usual and he had problems to walk. His knee still wasn't healed yet, but the doctor said that he should try to walk as normal as possible, that the muscles could be able to rebuild but he shouldn't overdo this. 

In the evening Kurt came to see after Neil. It took it's time until Neil had opened him the door.

"Hey, come in." Neil went aside that Kurt could get in.

"And did you take your shake?" Neil still wasn't allowed to take solid food. One of the stab wounds had injured his stomach badly that he only could take light liquid food. 

"Yeah, listen Kurt, I'm more than grateful for what you've done for me, really and I hope you know that, but you don't have to come round every five minutes, neither have you to behave, as if I was crippled. Okay?" 

"Yes I know, but you can imagine why I'm here that often and that I would feel better if you would start to digest what had happened." Kurt answered in his I-Won't-Stop-Until-You-Did-What-I-Want voice.

They sat at the kitchen table. Neil gave Kurt a cup of tea. Kurt had pity on Neil, who only was allowed to take two or three sorts of tea, still water and these shakes which should prevent that Neil lose a lot of weight, which didn't show an effect on Neil, who seemed to look worse from day to day. Kurt wouldn't have survived this for two days, but Neil accepted it without grumbling. Okay, Neil had no other choice; nevertheless the way he dealt with this situation was brave. 

"Kurt I don't know if you really can imagine my situation, but my brother thrust a rod through my knee and watched without batting an eyelid how three guys tried to kill me. Sorry, but after this I don't know whom I can trust and whom not. The only thing I know is that I won't lay myself again open to an attack." Neil spoke in a quiet, but strong voice.

"Neil, would I do all this for you if you couldn't trust me?" he asked him to show that he hasn't to fear about him.

"I don't know my brother was able to do so." Neil responded in a Didn't-You-Listen voice. After that Kurt could have cursed himself. He hasn't considered that between brothers another relation of confidence prevailed than between friends. But how could he have thought about this, he was an only child and had no idea about the relation to brothers and sister.

"Neil, I promise you I'm not going to hurt you in anyway."

"Even my father isn't able to prevent this, so how should anyone else be able to do so?" he answered in a deprecatory voice.

There's the rub. Kurt thought. Although Neil was reluctant to talk, at least he had given Kurt some hints, on which he could fix the next time. He could see despair in Neil's eyes, the feeling not knowing what was right, what wrong; whom he could trust and whom not. Kurt decided for today it had been enough. Neil looked tired. 

"Okay, I think it's time. You'd better go to bed, you look awful. And don't forget this, when you can't find any sleep, promised?" Kurt put two bottles with pills onto the kitchen table, one with pain-killers and one with sleeping pills.

"Kurt, please, I'm old enough all right?" Neil sounded a bit irritated.

"I just want you to know that in your situation nobody will blame you if you take these." Kurt had his doubts if Neil would take them. He didn't even take those the nurse in the hospital had given him. 

Kurt had a bad feeling, leaving Neil alone, but maybe it was better that way. Sometimes people needed to be faced with their fears, with the fact that there was more wrong than they wanted to admit.

Neil went to bed, but he wasn't able to sleep. No, he didn't want to sleep. He was afraid that the scenes would come back to his mind and that he began to feel, as he had once in the hospital. He hated Kurt, because of his gift making him feel like shit, lousy as if he was a worthless something. He began to read a book. There weren't many books left in this house he hasn't already read. But what else could he do, when he wasn't able to sleep? He had begun to work for his diploma thesis, but he wasn't able to work for this the whole day. It was strenuous for him to concentrate on figures and formulas and working on the computer also made him tiered very fast. The only thing remained to do was watching TV or reading books. In which he had stopped watching TV at night, after he had fallen asleep twice and got his nightmares again. Reading kept him awake and wasn't strenuous. But with two or three books per day his supply was shrinking rapidly. He had to laugh inwardly. His mum would have been glad when she would have known that he was able to read. Nobody knew that he read that fast, no matter what the book was about. And nobody knew that he afterwards able to recite it. 

He did as his head told him, preventing everything which could hurt him, feelings, hiding what he was able to do, hiding himself as far as necessary. Nobody should get the chance to hurt him again, to break him or to harm him in any other way. He wasn't sure when he began to follow these tactics, but he was sure that he would never change this strategy into something new, he had tried to do so several times and every time he was hurt again. 

The next morning Neil smelled coffee when he came down stairs. After the first panic was gone, he concluded that this could only mean that his father was back again. That was all he needed now. He wasn't able to express why, but he wasn't glad about his father's return.

He went to the kitchen. His knee hurt badly, but the doctor had told him that he had to walk as normal as possible, also stairs, if he wanted to contain the results of the injury. 

He entered the kitchen and there he was. 

"Good morning! Do you want some coffee?" he asked him cheering and smiling.

Neil immediately got up set by his father, who came home as if nothing has happened.

"No thanks." he tried not to sound annoyed, but wasn't sure if it worked. He went on the counter, but he wouldn't consider it as walking and mixed his shake. Only the smell of coffee made him feel sick. 

"Are you on a diet?" his father asked.

Neil didn't react. He wasn't in the mood for long conversation. In the moment he would have given everything for a few hours restful sleep.

"Do you still have vacations?" he again asked, but this time critical. "I hope you don't waste your scholarship."

"No, I still have vacations, but I have been filed a medical certificate for a few weeks, so don't worry about my business." Neil wanted to sound irritated to stop his father from questioning, but he failed.

"You're ill? I hope nothing serious. And has happened something important while I was away?"

This broke the camel's back. He didn't expect any kind of care from his father when he told him that he was sick, but that he would skip this topic like that wasn't fair. He took his shake and went to his room. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move his leg like he normally had done it. His knee not only hurt, it felt as if there was a blockade, as if the rod still was stuck in it. 

"I have asked you a question, so could you pleas give me an answer." his father screamed after him in his usual authoritarian voice. Neil stopped and answered shortly. "Angela is back." he didn't put any feelings in this answer. He went off into his room and closed the door.

"What? Angela? How? Neil, come on. Tell me, what the hell had been going on here!" Chuck screamed. Neil could hear his father coming upstairs. He wanted to open the door to Neil's room, but it was locked. Neil didn't want to tell his father what had happened. He wasn't prepared for this, he had no idea how he should tell him, without bringing him into rage. Yes, he was afraid to tell his father, to tell him what Marc had done. He wasn't able to trust him; he didn't know how he would react after he knew about all this. Inwardly he was sure that his father wouldn't believe him. He would put the whole blame onto his shoulders and Marc would be the little innocent, as usual and than he would again hurt him. He had to act rational, what meant keeping as much as possible for him. If his father didn't know, he wouldn't be able to blame him. He wouldn't give his father any reason for an attack.

Chuck pulled the door with his whole force, but then he decided to let Neil where he was. He could go to Kurt or better to Angela herself. He went to the bathroom, took cold water and splashed his face with it. After he had dried his face his look fell onto several bottles on the shelves under the mirror. He was confused, because he wasn't sure if these had been there, before he had left. He took them and read was it was: pain-killers, sleeping-pills and an ointment especially for gashes. All prescribed by a doctor from the hospital. Oh my God, was his first thought. The scene in the kitchen a few minutes ago was running through his mind. He saw Neil, thinner then usual. When he saw the face it had been frightening, livid, with dark rings under his eyes. Chuck could have killed himself for his stupid question about the diet and that he hasn't paid more attention when Neil said that he was ill. No wonder that Neil was pissed off. He went to Neil's room, but the door still was locked.

"Neil, I'm sorry. I didn't think that it was something serious." 

He got no answer. "Neil, please tell me, what has happened." Suddenly everything became unimportant, but again he got the point too late. Now he had to wait until Neil made the first step. When Neil had closed up himself nobody was able to reach him, not even Paige had been able to do so. "Okay, I go to Kurt he can tell me the thing with Angela. Maybe you calm down until I came back and we can talk about your problem."

Chuck felt lousy, when he left Neil alone. Sometimes he felt bad about the way he treated Neil, but after Paige died he wasn't himself. He had no control about his outbursts and Neil just swallowed them. He decided to talk about the whole situation to Neil, when he was back, but now he wanted to see how Angela was doing and how she came back. Neil still remained in his back mind. He wasn't sure if he had reached the point again, but it seemed as if this was the case. He didn't show any kind of feelings or emotions and that made him frightening. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Now there are two big problems we have to solve

"Now there are two big problems we have to solve." a woman's voice told him.

"Your father and your brother. What do you think what will happen, if the existence of the Cadre become known?"

He sat on the chair in front of the woman. He didn't answer. He wasn't supposed to do so, until she had allowed him to answer.

"So what do you think we can do?" now she told him to give an answer.

"We should proceed systematically." he answered short. He knew how he could get rid of his brother and his dad. He wasn't very intelligent, but he knew human nature very well, so he was sure that his plan would work.

"Systematically?" the woman sounded interested.

"Yes. I know my brother. He's weak, with a tendency to autodestruction." That was true. Neil had problems with accepting that he was nothing more than shit for his parents, he had problems to accept himself. That was the reason for his drug and alcohol excesses. Marc also was sure that Neil wouldn't talk about the three weeks of torture. He would try to deal with it on his own, but he would fail, began to blame himself and began to hate himself again.

"Autodestruction? That would mean that we remain with a clean slate." she sounded full of hope.

"We just have to give him a little helping hand, but I know how." he was cold and calculating.

"How?"

"My father won't believe that I would harm my brother this way. It won't matter if my brother tells him or not. He will be pleased to meat me again, because he wants me back. Maybe I should move into my old home. My father would get his proof that my little brother told him this story out of jealous, if he had told him, he'll trust me and we can catch him. And my brother would freak out and with a bit help we can lock him up into psychiatry for ever. Both problems would be solved." he was satisfied with himself. He could take revenge for everything his father had done to him. Finally he would turn into the great man, he was supposed to be.

"Sounds like a good plan, but keep me up-to-date."


	6. Chapter 6

Angela and Kurt were sitting in his apartment

Angela and Kurt were sitting in his apartment. A few seconds ago Chuck was gone, after they had told him what has happened. He completely got into rage after Angela had told him how everything had happened exactly. It was not because of what had happened with Neil or that nobody told him before. It was because Angela had told him that Marc had been part of this and after Kurt had told him about the envelope and its content, Chuck slammed his glass against the wall and went off. But first he had screamed at them how they could dare to think that Marc was able to do something like that. Neil must have twisted them round his finger with his infinity jealousy. And that everything was a lie. Both were visibly shocked by this reaction. It wasn't the rage. They got used to it, after endless weeks of training with Chuck for the Odyssey mission. It was, because he didn't give a shit about what had happened to Neil and only thought about Marc's credit.

"I hope he's not doing something to Neil." Angela said after a while. In the moment she believed him capable of killing his son.

"I do either. Later I'll go and check." Kurt tried to calm her down. He was afraid of what might happen to Neil and which effects Chuck's behaviour might have. He hoped that Neil was strong enough to bear this, if not, nobody could say how Neil would react. His behaviour had chanced dramatically. It seemed as if he began to act calculating, trying to hide his feelings. For Kurt this was the first sign that with Neil wasn't everything all right, although he wanted to make them believe that. He buried more deep inside than he wanted to admit. If he didn't begin to work on it, it might be too late some time and the damages would never be repairable anymore and he was definitive too young for that.

Chuck ran upstairs. He had to talk to Neil. This time he went too far with his suspicions. But Chuck would show him the results of lying. Now he understood why Neil had reacted like that, when Chuck came home. He wasn't at that point again, he knew that Chuck would find out and that's why he hided himself in his room. He was afraid that his net of lies could burst. And that was exactly what was going to happen now, Chuck thought. The door was unlocked. He stormed in and began to scream "Who the hell do you think you are to spread such lies?"

Neil sat on his bad and looked confused "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? You know exactly what I mean." Chuck went closer to Neil.

Neil got up. He wanted to look his father into his eyes. In the moment he really had no idea what he was talking about. "No." he answered. It was the wrong answer. His father slapped into his face. Neil took it, motionless. What does his father think to slap his face, as if he still was a stupid little child?

"Stop lying. You can play your cruel games with Angela and Kurt, but not with me." yes, he would cure this boy from such nonsense.

Neil's mind was working slowly, but he got an idea what his father was talking about. He had to convince him that this wasn't a lie, but the awful truth.

"Dad, I didn't lie okay?! I'm sorry and it's hard for me to accept too, but it's the truth and we have to deal with it." he tried to stay calm. Again his father slapped into his face, again this hurtful sign of disrespect with the power to take your whole dignity from you. He had taken them much too often, but he wouldn't defend against it. It only would make things worse as they already were. He once did so and afterwards everything became worse than ever.

"Don't even dare to think in my presence about this." with these words he went out of Neil's room. Satisfied with himself and the fact that he had shown Neil that he can't do what he wanted to.

Neil sat on the floor of his room. He was all of a tremble. He had seen this coming, in somehow. But now it became reality. What on Earth had he done wrong that his father thought he would lie about something like this? How could he think, he cooked up a story like that one? He completely had messed it up. It had been better if nobody ever had known about Marc and his role in this game. Now it was too late and he had to sweep up the whole mess. His father would never believe him that was for sure. But what was worse of all, was the fact that his father never would never forgive him this "lie". He had tried so hard for their relationship, but instead of repairing he damaged it more and more. He was the reason for the whole crap in his life and with every day he made it worse and worse.

And into the bargain he held a letter in his hands, which told him, that he, because of the information of his patient's file, wasn't able to meet the demand for the NASA training program. He had lost everything he had lived for. He had no family anymore and no perspective which was it worth for to go on, struggling from day to day with this never ending self-hatred. But he couldn't tell anyone about it. They all were the same, all hated him thus why shouldn't he hate himself? His father wouldn't believe him anyway. He would call him a liar who tried to catch the others attention, at least that was, what his father told him the last time around.

There was no aim in his life left he could work or live for. There was nothing, he was nothing. If he hadn't met with Marc, this wouldn't be the case now. He should have told Angela and Kurt not to tell his father about Marc, than this wouldn't have happened. He was to blame for all this, because he was the one who has had to try to prevent this, but he had done nothing. He must have seen that everything would end like this, but he had let live go on as it did. He could have died and everything wouldn't have happened. Angela would be safe and his father could live with the image of the great and innocent Marc and the image of the fucked up loser, the good for nothing. But now Neil has destroyed his own life and he was destroying his father's life as well. That was what the causality said, what his head was thinking. It weren't only feelings, it was found out by rationally thinking and this meant that he was responsible for everything what had happened. If he hasn't been there, all this wouldn't have happened. He was the reason why all others had to suffer now. The fact that all this wasn't just a feeling, but rational thoughts, made the whole thing harder to bear, because thus it was the truth, not only an irrational imagination.

His whole life turned out to be a mess and he was to blame for it, only he, any one else. It had begun with him and it would end with him. But maybe there still was a chance to repair the damage he had caused? Maybe he could make some things undone. No, he couldn't. It was too late for any repairing. Should he just finish this drama and let off? It could help. His father wouldn't have to bother about him, and he wouldn't have to wake up every morning with the thought being the most fucked up person he knew.

He heard the doorbell ringing, which dragged him out of his thoughts. A familiar voice came through the closed door. No. His blood froze in his veins.

Chuck opened the door and saw his son's face.

"Marc? What are you doing here?" he wasn't able to express what he had felt. He felt relieved because the lost son came back. The son, from whom he thought he would never come back, was there. He had been able to prevent Marc from leaving for ever. At least one thing he had been able to do right in all the time.

"I wanted to apologize for what I've said and what I've done." he answered in an abashed voice.

"It's okay son." he took him into a tough embrace "we all had our problems to deal with the situation."

Both went in and sat down in the kitchen.

"And how long do you wanna stay?" Chuck asked his son, while he gave him a cup of coffee.

"I don't know, how long it takes to find an own apartment."

"You can have your old room back, until you haven't found one. So you don't have to hurry." Chuck offered him, glad that Marc came back. He had little concerns about Neil. If this boy was able to fabricate such lies about his brothers, nobody could say what else he could do, to try to get rid of his brother. Chuck still had problems to understand why Neil hated Marc so much.

Marc went upstairs to his old room. Neil's door still was closed. He opened it and went in, silently. He found his brother working on his computer. He sat down on his brother's bed.

Neil recognized that someone entered his room, but he didn't turn round, because he didn't want to see this face again, never. Endless fear and panic arose in his inside. If he had been able to, he would have run away, but there was no possibility to do so. He felt his brother's glances in his back.

"How is your knee?" ha asked in a smug voice.

"Good." he answered motionless. He didn't want his brother to see his panic.

"You weren't supposed to survive, but unfortunately you did." he again began to speak. For Neil it felt like torture. He didn't want to hear this voice. He didn't want to life with this person in the same house.

"Must be a bad feeling, if nobody believes you or didn't you tell Dad about our little meeting?" He kept on.

Neil began to feel sick and his chest seemed to become narrow, he had problems with breathing. But he had to stay calm. He wouldn't allow his brother this triumph.

"Okay, I see, you're not in the mood for a conversation." with these words he put a razorblade on Neil's desk and whispered in his ear "Don't try any stupid things."

When Marc was gone Neil took his jacket. He had to get out of here, before he would freak out. At the front door he was stopped by his father.

"Where do you want to go?" his strict voice gnawed through Neil's body.

"I need some fresh air." he opened the door, but his father closed it.

"You're not going anywhere."

"That's not your decision." he pulled his father out of his way and went off.

Aimless he wondered through the streets. He had no idea where he could go to now. But it was clear that he wouldn't go home again, as long as Marc was there he could be sure that he wasn't save there. A strong pain began to spread through his body and his knee began to make problems. He sat down on a park bench. He had to stop his feelings taking control over him. He had to remain cool headed only that way he could find a way to correct his mistake.

"Shouldn't you stay in bed?" he heard a female voice behind him. It was Sarah.

Neil shrugged when he heard her voice. Panic had taken his whole body.

"I just needed some fresh air." he didn't want to tell her. Who knew what she would do, if she found out, what was going on at home. His brother showed him that there was nobody he could trust

"Then you've been walking a long distance to get it." she began to become distrustful. Neil could hear it.

"Yeah, I didn't recognize." he answered to get rid of her questions.

"Shell I drive you home?" she wanted to touch his shoulder but he avoided it.

"No, thanks I'm fine." he wanted to be alone. The panic inside became stronger and stronger. He wasn't sure how long he was able to suppress it.

"Neil, I'd better bring you home now." she came closer. Neil realized that she had seen through him again. He stood up, to keep distance between him and Sarah. He didn't want her to see everything. In a sudden the pain in his body became worse and he had problems remain standing. Sarah came to help him.

"Why don't you want to go home?" she asked him worrying about his condition.

"I can't." he tried not to scream. He swallowed down his panic. It wasn't easy, but he had to.

"Why?" she got no answer. "Neil, tell me why you can't go home." she told him to talk to her. She grabbed his arms, to prevent him falling onto the ground.

Neil hesitated. If he told her, she might think that he's lying, as is father did. He didn't trust her. She looked into his eyes. He didn't want to tell her, but she wouldn't stop asking until he hasn't told her. He thought about the torture he had gone through, because he hasn't answered. He didn't want to go to this hell a second time. But then he began to suppress his feelings. It was hard, but it worked. Now he was able to think clear again. Sarah wouldn't do anything to him. If she wanted to, she has had done so before. There had been enough chances to do so. It was stupid to think that everybody wanted to harm him. He had to get rid of his paranoia. Sarah never had done any harm to him, and she would never do so. He had to fight them and become calm again. That was the only way keeping clear thoughts.

"Marc has come home." he told her.

"What?" she looked into his eyes, as if she wasn't sure if she had understood him.

"Okay, you really can't go home. We'll go to Kurt, maybe he knows what to do." she took him and brought him to her car. They didn't talk while she drove.

Neil sat on Kurt's sofa. Kurt gave him a glass of water and a pill against the pain in his body.

"I hope it helps." Kurt said. "Do you know why your brother came home?" Kurt asked him careful.

"I don't know. He hasn't even written a letter the first time around, so why should he come back this time?" Neil really had no idea, why Marc came home. Kurt went to Sarah who stood in his kitchen.

"I mistrust this situation." she said very quiet. They didn't want Neil to hear them.

"I do either. Above all, I don't think that this does Neil any good." Kurt whispered.

"He wasn't himself when I've found him. I mean full of fear. I had problems to make him trust me. I don't know, but he behaves… " Kurt completed the sentence.

"He's traumatized. This whole thing has worse effects on him, as we thought it could have. He can't go home, that's for sure."

"And what do you think we can do?"

"I go and see what is going on with Chuck and you try to calm him down." Kurt gave her some sleeping pills. Sarah looked questioning at him. "Only for the case he freaks out. In this situation he's uncontrollable."

"Okay."

Kurt went off and Sarah staid with Neil. He was calm, much too calm in her opinion. She knew from Kurt that Neil tried to burry what had happened. Maybe he would talk to her but every time she tried to reach him, he avoided her. She wasn't even able to touch him. It hurt her to see Neil like this. All the time he had been the cheeky monkey who stopped at nothing, but now he seemed cold and calculating. This wasn't him, he always had been warm-hearted. This coldness didn't match to him. He was completely different from Chuck. When she had met them the first time at NASA she had recognized it. She had made acquaintance with Chuck first. He seemed to her very dominant and cold. He wanted to control everything and didn't allow any mistakes. And then she had met Neil, who helped when she has done a mistake and who showed a lot of patience with her, while he showed her again and again, how something works. He seemed as if he didn't care about what his father said, but she had seen, how hard it hat been for him. No, and he wasn't snooty, he never was, although everybody had told her that. He only tried to be as cold as his father was, but it hasn't worked. And is everyone snooty whose IQ had a higher score than these of the others? She had recognized then that there was nothing between his father and him. Chuck didn't care, but for her it was visible that Neil suffered, but he had accepted it and thus they only talked about job and that was it, nothing else. Not even in breaks or on their way home. Nothing. Now they both got a new chance and the only one who fought for it was Neil, but how could he win this fight if his father turns away from him everyday more and more?

Now, Neil was exactly like his father. He had hide his feelings so deep that even she wasn't able to see them and this was, what made her anxious.

Kurt reached the Taggart's house. He rang the doorbell. Chuck opened the door.

"Kurt what a pleasure to see you here." he smiled over his whole face.

"I wouldn't consider it as pleasure. Would you mind to come out? I would like to talk to you." Kurt remained serious.

"Okay, what's your problem?" Chuck asked him, when he had closed the door.

"Marc came back?" he asked him.

"Yes, a wonder had brought him back." he stated in a cold voice.

"Do you think it had been a smart decision to let him move in again?" Kurt asked. He wanted to make clear to him that Chuck had to be careful in Marc's case. Nobody could say why he came back.

"Yes I do. And I don't understand why you still give a shit about Neil's lies." Chuck became angry.

"In this moment Neil is sitting in my apartment and in my opinion his behaviour is the best sign that he's close to freak out and I don't want to see the results, if this really happens. I don't think that this would have happened, if what Neil had told us, really had been a stupid lies." Kurt nearly screamed at Chuck.

"He's a good actor." he answered.

"No he isn't and you know that. You're only afraid that your view of life might get broken. That's the reason you don't believe what Neil had said."

"Leave my estate immediately and if Neil isn't home in an hour I'll call the police. He's still my son and he's gotten himself into a nice mess and I want him to face to the music." again he became authoritarian.

"Chuck, you've no idea, what you're doing to Neil." then Kurt went off. He had no good feeling to extradite Neil to his father. But Neil maintained composure. For Kurt it drew a typical picture of psychological problems and Neil fitted completely into this picture.

Neil came downstairs to take his shake. He found his father alone in the kitchen. Neil tried to pretend as if he wasn't there, but without success.

"If you only once again begin with any lies about your brother you won't know, what hits you." he yelled at his son.

"You don't know what you're talking about." he answered cold.

"I'm talking about jealousy."

Neil turned to his father and pulled up his t-shirt that his father was forced to look at the wounds and scars. He would show him what hell he had to go through and he knew how hard he could hurt his father with that. He could make his father's world stagger and he would do so.

"Do you think I just imagine that?" he looked into his father eyes. Chuck wasn't able to say anything, Neil expected that. It was the first time he saw those wounds.

"Or did Marc tell you I did this to myself?" he saw his father's face which told him that he wasn't sure about what he should think or say or what not. He became pale, a sign that he was shocked.

"It wouldn't be the first time you hurt yourself." Marc came downstairs. "We all know about your little problem." Marc came closer to Neil. Neil could feel his brother's breath in his neck.

"Marc is right. We had this problem once. Maybe it's a relapse." Chuck concluded, but for Neil it still was visible that his father wasn't sure about that.

"Neil, please don't try to destroy Dad's and my life again." Marc went on with talking.

Neil just looked at Marc then to his father who did nothing.

"If you haven't been born, our lives would have been much easier. You caused so much pain and trouble for Mum and Dad. Don't you think it's enough now?" he whispered that only Neil could hear him.

Neil put the glass onto the counter "I don't have to listen to this crap." he said and went off.

He locked up the door and set on his bed. Thoughts ran through his mind. Marc was right. How could his father think that he did all this to himself? On the other side if Neil hasn't been born all this wouldn't has happened. He wouldn't have to see how his father was rushing headlong towards ruin. If Neil hasn't been there, his father wouldn't have been blinded by the thought of jealousy. If Neil had died in captivity Marc wouldn't be here now and his father would be saved. But now they would harm his father and he could do nothing to prevent this. He was to blame for all this misery. It would be better for all if he wouldn't exist. He was a bad risk for all. A strong feeling of hate spread through his body. He began to hate himself for all the trouble he caused, for all the pain he meant for all others. But now there was no time for these thoughts. He had to find out what his brother was up to. He had to suppress his feelings which made him blind, which hindered him from doing what had to be done. He had to destroy his feelings, otherwise they would control him. He had to destroy this part from him, if he wasn't able to separate it from the rest. He always had trouble with them; they always made him vulnerable for others, made it easy for them to hurt him and they stopped him from thinking. They wanted the control over him, but as long as he had a head, he won't let them. He had listen much too often to his feelings. He had to listen to his head that became clear to him now. He hated his feelings, he hated himself. He was nothing, just a pain for all others and he had never been more. And now after failed NASA, he was less than nothing. he took the razorblade and began to cut himself into his forearm. The scars from the time before were faded. With every cut he felt more and more relieved as if a heavy burden dropped down from his soul. His feelings were satisfied, because Neil was punished for his faults. It had to be done. He had to destroy what he hated. When he was finished he was able to think clear again, his feelings were satisfied.

He had to hack into his brother's computer, but it should be easy. He had luck. His brother's computer was connected to the internet so he could start to snoop around. He found his e-mails. There he had the evidence that his bad feelings about marc's visit were justified. They said that they wanted Marc and his father at 22h at the docks. Neil sent this mail to his father, as well as the reports he had found on his brothers computer. Maybe now his father was able to see that it hasn't been Neil who lied.

When he was finished he went to bed. He was tiered, his body hurt and he just wanted all to end, but unfortunately he wasn't able to sleep. The feelings inside tried to hurt him, with nightmares and with fears. Fear it might happen again. Fear that he might end up alone when he did as his head told him, fear which kept him away from using his whole capacity, fear which hindered him from showing what he was made of.


	7. Chapter 7

Neil was in the bathroom and put on his cloths when his father accidentally came in

Neil was in the bathroom and put on his cloths when his father accidentally came in. Neil hasn't put on his t-shirt yet. Chuck again saw the huge scars which covered nearly the whole upper part of his body. It was hard to see this, not because it looked awful. It was because Chuck had to think about the way it had happened and the question whether Neil really had done all this to himself, what would have meant that his condition was worse than ever or was there a little bit of truth in what Kurt and Angela had told him, about Neil being in captivity by the Cadre and so on?

"Could you please shut the door?" Neil asked him irritated.

"Why? You can put on your t-shirt in your room." in somehow he didn't want to be mean, but after he had said this he realized that he had been. "Neil," he wanted to apologize and grabbed his son's arm. "Would you mind to let me go?" Neil said cutting.

Chuck did as his son told him. He was afraid of his son's glance, it was familiar to him, but he wasn't able to address when he had seen this before. It was a dangerous glance which made him frightening. It had something unpredictable. Chuck didn't like it, when something was unpredictable, because it meant he hasn't control of it.

He let off of his son's arm. When he did so, he saw cuts on the arm. That was it. He had seen this glance when Neil had gone through his hard time.

"Does it begin again?" he asked in his strict voice. If yes, he had to turn in as soon as possible. They hadn't done so the first time and the whole problem was fizzled out, but it hadn't been solved. After this time Neil had completely turned away from them. It was the time in which he grew up from one to another second. He became mature over night, too mature for a young man in his age. This time he would have to find out, what was the reason for this behaviour. He not only would have to do, he would do. There had to be a reason and he wanted to know it. Seeing his son inflicting cuts to himself hard to bear, but watching helpless was the worse thing of all. He was the man with a clue and he had control, he was the one who guided a shuttle out of the atmosphere and back. He wasn't supposed to be helpless, he was supposed to be acting.

"Not your business." he hissed and went into his room.

"Neil…" he had no chance to reach him, but he followed him into his room, before Neil was able to lock the door again. The room was full of books. Chuck wondered when Neil has read all those. On the floor he found a letter with the NASA emblem. He picked it up

"You got a letter from NASA?" he asked distrustful.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to contest your place at NASA a second time." he answered in a bitter voice.

"What? Why?" Chuck asked him. He didn't believe what Neil had told him a few seconds before. That couldn't be true.

"Because of a lie." Neil answered cold.

Fury arose inside of Chuck. Neil managed again to open up sores. He was fed up by this boy, who obviously needed help, but didn't let any one help him. Maybe he had to realize how bad he felt before, until someone was able to help. Nevertheless, he wouldn't be the one. He wouldn't give his son more chances to hurt him with his insolent behaviour. He left Neil and went to his computer, to check his e-mails. In somehow he wasn't sure about his suspicion Neil being a liar. If he really wasn't allowed to the NASA Program, there must have been more, the Cadre and Hodge's fear that he might cover up her corrupt business? Or had Neil been worse injured than he thought and he would have to live with some kind of after-effects for the rest of his live? But that would mean that Neil couldn't have inflicted these wounds to himself. Was a human being able to inflict such wounds to himself in general? Neil never would endanger his career at NASA he would live and die for it, as he did. How awful must it be, not able to live this life, especially upon one had already lived it and acquired a taste for it? Maybe he felt extremely despaired, what might explain these cuts. Maybe he should go back and talk to him. No, he would only meet with a wall, not willing to talk to him about his inner feelings. He was anxious. Anxious, because he didn't know if he had made the biggest mistake in his life, a mistake he could never repair anymore. His world went astray. Normally Neil was the one who could take a lot, a lot more than everyone else in his family, why should something like this break him? What should break him at all? He wasn't that kind of person that broke down, when life made a stand against him. But then life really had been hard for him since the time travel, maybe it was a bit too much.

He drove these thoughts away and concentrated on his e-mails. He got two from Marc. He was confused, why should Marc send him several e-mails? Why couldn't he ask him straight to face that he wanted to go out this night? He read the other e-mail, but what he read was unbelievable. Should Neil have been right? Was he really that blind not to see something like that? No, there was nothing to see, Marc wasn't able to…or was he? Again he felt that he had done something wrong, but as long as he had no evidence to believe the one, nor the other construction of this story, he had to behave neutral, if it was possible. The whole situation which had seem clear to him at first, now turned out to be a chaos and he was close to be drowned it. He had to find out, what were right and what not. There was no other chance to dispel the shambles. He would go with Marc, alone.

He saw Neil not until afternoon. He looked worse than a few days before. All colour was drained out of his body. The rings under his eyes looked frightening and he got awfully thin. He wasn't able to remember Neil being thin like that. He looked more dead than alive. Chuck began to worry. What if Neil told him the truth? If yes it must have been hell for him. Now he was sure. He had made a big mistake, and this was the result, although he had no idea, what his mistake was. Was it all because he hasn't been around for so long, leaving him alone, also dumping his mourns and pain on these shoulders? Or was there a truth in this Cadre story? Or was this the result of not caring in due, letting fizzle out an obviously tough problem unsolved? He still fought against the thought that Neil's description of the story was right in all points. He hoped that Marc hadn't played a role in it. How would Neil come to this idea? Maybe they had told Neil that his brother had set up the situation only to break him or there was someone who looked like Marc. Maybe Marc was involved in this story, maybe the way Angela and Kurt had told him? Why should Angela tell him that Marc was a part of it, if it wasn't the truth? She had no reason to be jealous. She had told him that Marc was there, when she had been in captivity. Why should she say that? She would never ally herself with Neil for such a lie. Neil had been a much too keen competition for her and she hadn't liked that. Chuck had felt it, when they began to work together. The way she had looked at his son, these cheapen glances, full of hate. And the way she had given him instructions, if she had been able to, she would have killed him. No she would never ally herself with Neil. But why should Marc do something like that? He had seen his eldest son's hate and despair, when he had left. He never had thought that Marc was able to do something like that. On the other hand he had been able to leave his family without a word. He never had written a letter or called them or something like that. He was able to act, just because of a feeling. No. His son's action wasn't what he would consider as rational. But he couldn't belief this. It couldn't be true. What must he and Paige have done wrong that one of their sons turned out that way? No, it was incredible, impossible. There had to be another solution. Neil always had been the troubled child, but not Marc. They had done everything right in Marc's case. No, they didn't. If they had, he would have stayed. But Marc wasn't able to do something like that. Maybe all was just a stupid misunderstanding, caused by an intrigue the Cadre had well planed before. He knew Hodge. She would do everything to dismantle someone.

"How are you?" he asked Neil carefully, but still distrustful.

He looked into his eyes "What do you think? My brother tried to kill me, my Dad thinks I'm a liar and I haven't slept or eaten something for weeks. How would you feel?" Again this ice cold sarcasm was able to hurt badly. Neil tried to hurt him; he tried to show him his own faults to break him. Chuck knew that. They had the same situation the first time round. He had been extremely aggressive towards others, towards all, who came too close. He was trying to hide something with that behaviour, at least this was what he was told, this behaviour meant. They never found out what it was. They let him do, as he was pleased, they had no chance to reach him and at the end no nerve for being the target for his attacks. Maybe he had to head for confrontation, to find out. But he had no strength to do so. In this circumstances Neil really could be troublesome, he was much too calculating and knew what to say, when he wanted to get rid of someone. It was hard then not to give way and do what he wanted, because what he said was often too painful and much too true. He always had the feeling as if he wanted to drag down the others only to paper over his cracks.

Chuck didn't answer. He had no answer until he wasn't sure about the e-mails.

"Your brother and I go out this night." he wanted to know what Neil thought about this.

"Yeah and why do you tell me this?" still there was no feeling in his voice.

"What do you think?"

"Do you want to take the piss out of me or are you looking for a reason to swear at me?"

Chuck looked at him. "I won't do that, promised." Neil didn't believe him and that hurt. Would Neil behave like that, if the story really had been a stupid lie? Would he really hold on it that strong?

"Don't be annoyed when I don't believe you, but because you seem to be really interested: I won't go, because I don't trust Marc, but I even don't trust you so I hope that you become happy with each other." Neil took his tea and went back into his room.

"Thanks." Chuck mumbled, while he looked after Neil, who still wasn't able to walk as usual. For the first time he saw that he wasn't able to move his right leg. He hadn't paid much attention to his son last days, thus he hadn't seen that his leg probably must have been injured or still was. After he had seen those horrible scars he felt lousy because of it. It all seemed to be worse than the first appearance had admitted. Neil was too much of a player to show him that he felt bad and he did a very good job with this acting. Chuck had a bad feeling about Neil after he had seen the cuts on his arm. If it begins again, he had to find out as early as possible. All signs spoke for it. The last time they weren't able to find out what had been wrong, maybe they had given up too early. This won't happen this time, Chuck promised. He decided to go to Kurt, it was time to apologize and he wanted someone to look after Neil, while he was away. Who knew what Neil was able to do to himself?

Chuck sat in Kurt's apartment. He had told him about his fear Neil might freak out.

"Kurt, I know that I may have done the biggest mistake I could have done, but how could I've known better." Chuck tried to justify his behaviour against Neil.

"You once could have believed us or him and then we wouldn't have this situation." Kurt had known before that something wasn't right with Neil. He had no idea what, but he could imagine that it was more than Neil would admit. In somehow he had felt what was going on with Neil, although he never had told him, maybe because he has had similar problems when he was a teenager. Maybe this made him aware for the slightest and first signs.

"So could you please look after him this evening?"

"Is it that bad in the moment?"

Chuck just nodded.

Kurt recognized how the cat jumps. "Did you never think about a psychologist or something like that?" he kept on.

"Kurt, listen," Chuck was irritated. He hated it when someone seemed to think that he was stupid. "You know that Neil isn't a normal teenager, he never had been as you can imagine. You can't treat him like a normal freaked out kid, who cuts himself just for fun." Chuck immediately regretted what he had said. It wasn't Kurt's business what problems Neil had and that he inflicted wounds to himself, on the other hand, Kurt wasn't dumb he already knew what was going on, why then should he have asked this question. Added to this, he had a better connection to his son than he ever had. Kurt probably had seen the signs long before he had.

"Did you think about a psychologist or not?" He wanted to know to get the proof how serious Chuck was with his question and if it was because of Neil's safety or because of the fact that he thought of him as a liar.

"We sent him to the shrinks, but they told us that this was a normal problem of youth in puberty. But honestly, would he behave like this now, if this had been the right diagnose?" The first time around they had believed it, for a while, but after Neil's change they weren't sure about it. No, they never had believed it, because the thing always had seemed much to serious to them, but they had left it by that, never cared more about it and now he had to witness that it had been a mistake.

After Kurt had heard this he was sure about his suspicion.

"I know. I…" he wasn't sure if he should tell Chuck, but may be it could help him and Neil to cope with this situation.

"I had in somehow the same problems Neil is dealing with now. I mean it wasn't that distinct that I tried to hurt myself, but I can imagine what is going round his head."

Yes, he had these problems. They had been the reason why his parents sent him to the shrinks when he had been less than ten years old. Today he was sure that it wasn't his fault that his parents always argued even fought. That it wasn't his fault that his parents yelled at each other and through round with kitchenware, while he was sitting next to them. At the end he was glad when they got divorced. Today he knew it was because his father has had a lot of affairs while his mum had to work harder and harder to get the money his unemployed father gambled away in casinos. For Kurt this problem was solved when his mum spoke honestly to him and when she told him that there was nothing else she loved as she loved him. For Kurt it had been a confirmation that he wasn't the reason for all these fights over endless years.

But Neil? His problem lay much deeper than his ever did. Kurt didn't know what stood between Neil and his father, what stood between him and his whole family. All he knew was that Neil was over 22 years old now and until now nobody had told him that it wasn't his entire fault. Instead Chuck kept on with hurting him. Kurt wasn't sure if he would have hold on that long as Neil did, if the same had happened to him.

Chuck looked at Kurt questioning.

"You don't know what his problem is?" Kurt asked him carefully.

"I don't know."

"Okay, did you ever think that he might blame himself for everything and that he his afraid of being hurt? "

"I didn't, but it makes sense always when it starts it seems as if he had no feelings and as if he wants to destroy everyone who comes too close." he buried his face in his hands, to clear his mind. Chuck still was run-down by what Neil had said to him. It hit him hard and he was sure that Neil knew that.

"He doesn't want to give anyone any possibility to come too close. The rest is systematically destruction, maybe a kind of self-protection, after all what has happened I would see it as a logical effect. And you know genius and insanity are close together." Kurt looked at Chuck, who didn't look convinced now.

Chuck just looked questioning at Kurt. He knew this aphorism, but never put any attention to it. Okay, nobody ever had thought that Neil was a genius, until he showed up at NASA.

"People like Neil have a somehow a different perception of the world. Their mind is working much different than our. Occurrences have another meaning to them and they can easily look through everything, but their mind is working to far, if you understand what I mean, facts got distorted and this can cause a kind of insanity and that's what has happened to Neil." Kurt spoke these words quiet. After he had seen the first signs, for Neil freaking out he had combed through several books and talked to specialists, thus he was now able to explain the whole situation to Chuck, who obvious had no idea what was going on.

"My son is no crazy lunatic." Chuck screamed. He wouldn't allow anyone making a lunatic out of his son, only because they weren't able to understand him.

"No, he isn't, that's right. But he thinks about what has happened just in another dimension and that let to his realization that he is responsible for everything. Causality, if he hasn't been there, this wouldn't have happened." Kurt remained quiet.

"Nobody is thinking so far. I mean, okay in somehow its right, but this can't be his thought." Chuck was struggling to understand, to accept what Kurt had said.

"No normal person would do so, but you have said yourself that Neil never had been a normal teenager. He is completely different from you and me, as well as his picture of the world." Kurt had to make clear to Chuck that Neil was dealing with different problems than other youths and that his problems in somehow lay deeper. It wasn't just because the world was bad, as it used to be at the age of 17. It was because his head told him that. This was definitive worse that just a teenage depression, because nobody could switch off his head.

"And what about his cuts? I read kids do that to feel themselves. So if Neil doesn't want to feel or to show his feelings why should he do that?" Chuck wasn't sure if Kurt was right and wanted to change the topic. On the other hand it sounded plausible

"Punishment?" You fucking asshole, he thought, he blames himself for what has happened, that's why he cuts himself. Didn't you get that? Kurt didn't want to speak out loud this thought.

"I don't know, but it seems as if something had opened up these sores very wide and I would be glad if you could look after him." He still wasn't ready to think of the fact that what Neil had told him might have been right and he didn't want to believe that Neil's condition was that bad. How could that happen? He was such an intelligent boy he should know how to deal with his situation. On the other hand, if what Kurt had said was true, it would make sense again and he knew that Kurt was smart and had a lot of knowledge of almost everything. He should be sure about Kurt was right with what he had said, but in somehow he was afraid of this reality, about the fact that Neil's condition was worse than he was able to think of.


	8. Chapter 8

Chuck was on his way with Marc

Chuck was on his way with Marc. Kurt and Chuck were hoping that this won't end in a mess. Kurt walked up to Neil's room. He wanted to talk to him. He had to help him, before something worse happened. Neil sat in front of his computer. Kurt read what was on the screen. "Air resistance? I don't think that this is a good method for recovering."

"Maybe." Neil answered indifferent. He wanted to be alone. He always had been alone. There was no need why now somebody should look after him.

"And how are you?" Kurt began to be sceptical.

"Fine." He didn't stop his work.

"Why do I have the feeling that this is not the truth?" he wanted to provoke him.

"I don't know, but I can imagine that my father told you I'm a liar." now he had turned towards Kurt.

Neil had completely worked himself up into this liar-thing. At least this should have brought Chuck to the thought that the whole story was a bit more than a fairytale. Kurt looked at this boy and was afraid of the coldness which radiated from him. This wasn't him or it was him, but it was the wrong, the sick part of him he was faced with now.

"Are you that afraid of letting someone come closer to you?"

Neil didn't answer. Kurt had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He kept on "Are you that afraid of someone could hurt you again. Is this the reason why you offend everyone? Because you are afraid of someone who is close to you may hurt you again?" later he would wish that he wouldn't have gone that far.

"I would recommend sweeping up the pieces of your life, before you start with me. I mean your playboy show. I bet no one of these girls knows who you are in reality. After Angela got parted from you, you became afraid of all others may hurt you the same way as she did. So please stop listing my problems until you haven't solved your own." he knew that he touched a sore point. That had been his aim. He wanted to get rid of Kurt. He wanted to get rid of all. Only when he was alone he was saved. Only then he couldn't cause more damage.

What Neil had said, felt like a heavy hit into the stomach. He stood up. Now he understood what Chuck meant when he said that Neil tried to destroy all, who tried to reach him. But Kurt himself wouldn't call it destruction. Kurt had reacted the same way, when he was young. Okay, his words hadn't had the power of what Neil had said, but he had been ten and Neil was 22.

Neil didn't destruct them he only held the mirror up to them. Yes, he was right when he said that they had enough problems and that they should solve them first before they started with him. In reality they all sat in front of the pieces of their broken lives. The time travel had made it clear to him that they all were nothing more than gamblers in a game they never could win. This game called life was not supposed to have happy endings it only meant: survive and die. Actually he had no idea which of these choices was the best to be made. Maybe both were wrong and bad, maybe they had to suffer to reach paradise. Yes, he never had been a religious man and he would never dare to become one, but sometimes he had the feeling as if the bible offered more solutions than he wanted to believe. He went down stairs. Kurt sat in the kitchen. He had to think about what Neil had said if he wanted to or not. He asked himself how Neil could know about this. He never had spoken about that to anyone, despite Angela. The solution to this mystery struck through his mind like lightning. Neil wasn't dull like his father in respect to feelings. He watched, listened and understood. There always must have been a minute in which feelings forced their way through this hard shell, otherwise Neil wouldn't have been able to recognize Kurt's situation. It seemed as if it was easy for Neil to look through people and not only because of his intelligence, even because he could feel with them. He was sensitive enough to add up one and one. For Kurt this solution meant that he could help Neil better than he had thought before. Neil hasn't banned his feelings. He just hided them because they were too close to the surface. He just needed someone to show him where they were, how to deal with them and that they not only meant pain and damage. Kurt swallowed down his sadness about what Neil had said and went back to him. If Chuck was too blind to see, Kurt had to do what had to be done long before.

He was startled to find Neil's room empty. Neil must have sneaked out through the window. Kurt cursed himself for not thinking about this. He thought with desperation where Neil could be. Chuck would kill him, if something happened to his son. His look fell onto the computer screen. 22h docks. It was him who had sent this e-mail to his father and now he was on his way to help him. Kurt called Angela and Sarah. They had to help Chuck and Neil. While he drove to the docks he had to think about Neil. He would do everything for his father, no matter what he had done to him. No, he wasn't able to switch off his feelings. That's why he cut himself, Kurt thought. He tried to suppress them but they always found a way out and then they were worse than they would have been, if Neil had allowed them.

A few minutes after Kurt, Angela and Sarah arrived. Angela let them to the place where she and Neil meat the Cadre. The scene they came up on was more than strained. It was immediately clear that they had to help.

Neil found his father surrounded by a group of men. He heard his brother speaking.

"And how does it feel, not having control over everything? You're naïve like a child do you know that? It must be a torture for you to see that your son is superior to you, isn't it?"

"Marc, you have no idea, what you're doing. You have no idea who these people are!" Chuck tried to make clear to his son that he was going to do a big mistake.

"Do you know what your problem is? You never could have thought that I would be able to do something like this, because I always had been your little dog which obeyed on word. And now you have to realize that you and Mum were wrong. I'm not your golden boy who would polish your image and you'd better come to terms with it now, because you won't have that much time left to do so." he was cruel and he liked this role.

"Marc, that's not you." Chuck begged. Begging, something he never had done before.

"Shut up. You have no idea who I am and you never will. You're too much an egoist to see who I am."

The cold voice ran through Neil's body like ice. Marc was too busy with talking, to recognize that Neil came closer and closer. When he was close enough he struck his elbow into his brother's back, who hit the floor, not knowing what was going on.

"What?" Marc was screaming into Neil's face.

"Dealing with drugs is a hard business, forgotten?" Neil was full of hate and not able to suppress it anymore. He had fought against it as long as he was able to, but now he had lost this fight, to win another one.

"Neil, what are you doing here?" Chuck asked him, not believing that Neil stood in front of him, after all what has happened.

"Saving your arse for the third time."

"I don't think so." one of the men said and grabbed Neil. And then the situation set up on its own. Someone knocked out the man grabbing Neil. It was Angela. Sarah and Kurt were there as well. Now the chances wasn't spread out unfair. The situation turned into bloody and cruel fight.

"Neil, don't let Marc get away!" Chuck screamed. It wasn't because he wanted Marc to be punished for his cruel game he was playing. It was because of Neil. He wanted him to get out of this fight. There had been enough torture for him. He was gone through so much he shouldn't have to bear more of all this, now it was time for him to rest.

Neil wasn't sure if he had understood what his father had said. He looked questioning at him.

"Neil, go and stop Marc!" Chuck screamed. The fight became more and more hopeless for them. The chances that they could win and would get away only with scratched were nearly zero.

It took it's time until Neil reacted. He ran as fast as possible. But after a few seconds he felt that he hasn't the strength he was used to have. He forced his body not give away. His knee hurt awfully and he started being pissed off by the fact that he couldn't move it as he was used to do it. He felt how adrenaline flowed through his body, fighting the pain, the exhaustion, making him awake and strong again. He ran what seemed to be faster than he ever had run He caught up to his brother. He could grab his shoulder.

A shot. He turned round. A form broke down, fell to the floor. He forgot his brother and ran back. He didn't pay attention to the striking pain which ran through his stomach, through his head, through his whole body, adrenaline healed them immediately. He saw Angela kneeling on the floor. There was blood, too much blood. His heart began to pound. He wasn't able to speak. The surrounding vanished and he only saw his father lying in his own blood on the floor. No. All this wasn't supposed to end like this. It was his entire mistake. His brother wouldn't have come back, if Neil had stopped him earlier and then he wouldn't have to see his father dieing. He watched blood running out of the wound. He stepped back, but he didn't recognized. He began to run, although he didn't want to. He wanted to stay, help him, but he wasn't able to. Something pulled him away, far, far away. I have to leave. At least I have to save the others. I'm a dangerous risk for the others. I'm the biggest mistake on earth. These thoughts ran through his mind while he ran. Not knowing where he was running to, only knowing that he had to stop this. He had to stop his existence until he was going to cause much more damage.

"Neil!" Sarah called after him.

"Let him go. I think it is better when he hasn't to witness this." Kurt told Sarah. They all were shocked. But they had to remain calm and wait for an ambulance, which arrived early enough. They all followed the ambulance to the hospital. They waited and waited. Hours seem to pass until a doctor came and told them that the bullet wound was very deep and that Chuck had lost a lot of blood. Fortunately the bullet hasn't injured any organs what meant the Chuck would recover completely. They went to look after him.

"How are you?" Sarah asked in her usual caring voice.

"I'm fine. Where is Neil?" Neil was his only thought in this moment.

"We don't know…" Angela tried to explain. Kurt helped her to find the right explanations.

"He was completely shocked when he saw you. He ran away, we don't know where he is now." Kurt stayed calm.

For Chuck this message meant a lot of bad feelings. Who knew how Neil would react? His condition wasn't the best and he knew how fragile Neil was behind his shell. The inside of it was a structure of loose pieces which could be torn down easily, if nobody took care of it. He had neglected this task for too long, although he knew that Neil wasn't like the others, although he knew that Neil was special in all of his characteristics.

"Kurt, go and look after him. I don't think that it is good when he's alone now."

Kurt nodded. He understood what Chuck was thinking of and this had been his first thought as well. Now he wasn't sure if the idea letting him go was that good.


	9. Chapter 9

He had no idea, where this boy could be. There was no place left he could go to, no friends no Holly anything, where he could hide. His former home? Possible, but not probable. What he all has had to bear there, he must have hated this place most over the world. Nevertheless he drove to the Taggart's house. As he reached it, there was no sign for somebody being there. There was no light shining through the windows. He went to the door, rang the bell twice knocked at the door, but there was nobody answering. He turned for searching somewhere else. In a brain wave he realized that over the whole time Neil's room had been his refuge. He had hide in there for the whole time, never leaving this place. Maybe he was in there, reluctant to let anybody in. He hadn't let anybody enter his place of peace or stay in there for too long. This would at least explain why he didn't open the door. But Kurt had to go in there he had to make sure that Neil was alright and not doing any stupid things. Nobody could say how he coped with the whole situation, if he coped with it at all. He went back and rang the doorbell again. Nobody answered.

"Neil come on, I know that you're in there!" Kurt called. He became anxious. He had a very strange feeling, the atmosphere was strenuous. What if…No he couldn't allow these thoughts coming up in his mind, he had to force himself to be calm. He rang the doorbell again and again, he knocked at the door.

"Neil, damn it, let me in!" he began to panic. It doesn't felt good, no it felt very bad. After a while, which seemed like hours, he decided to force his way in. He opened the door by violence. When he entered the house it was quiet, much too quiet. He searched through the rooms down stairs, before he decided to go straight to his room.

"Neil?" he asked calmly while he went upstairs. He got no answer. "I'm on my way to you." Neil had to be in a serious condition. He heard a click. He was there, that was for sure, but he had locked the door. He was like an animal in captivity: unpredictable and with his back to the wall, what made him aggressive. He reached the door, pushed the doorknob, but the door didn't open. He knocked gently at the door.

"Neil, it's me."

"Go away!" Neil yelled. It sounded as if he was close to freak out. No, not close, he already had crossed this border. Kurt had to get him out of the room and bring him to someone who was able to help him.

"Neil, your father is alright, he pulls through it. It's only a flesh wound." Maybe this would calm him down, but it didn't.

"Shut up and leave me alone!" again he yelled.

Kurt had to realize that he wasn't able to help this boy. Now it was time for an expert. After a while he began again to talk to him.

"Neil!?" there was no noise anymore.

"Neil, is everything okay?" still nothing, then a thud and everything happened extremely fast. Before Kurt was able to realize what had happened he already had break open the door and stood inside of the room; Neil on the floor, a razorblade and an increasing puddle of blood. He kneeled down to Neil, took of his shirt and tried to stop the bleeding.

"Hey, Neil" he tried to talk to him, but he didn't respond. He called nine-one-one and waited. He pressed the shirt onto the cuts, but the blood seeped through it, onto his hand, down to the floor. Kurt pressed harder. He still waited for the ambulance to arrive. It took much too long.

"Okay buddy, if you wanna die, your business, but not in front of my eyes, got it?"

When the ambulance finally arrived Neil was only hardly breathing, his lips were light blue, his skin looked dead and his body felt ice cold.

When the ambulance was on the way to hospital, Kurt slummed down on the porch. Why hasn't anybody seen that Neil would go that far? Why hasn't he realized that Neil was able to do something like that? Where had he been? Where had Chuck been? Why hasn't the man, who considered himself as the boy's father, seen in what a bad condition his son was?

Kurt, who always thought of himself having no limits, now had seen and crossed them, he was shocked by witnessing this. He still wished all this just being a nightmare and he would wake up in a few minutes, but it wasn't only a dream. It was cruel, fucking reality he was faced with.

After he sat there for a while, he got into his car and drove to the hospital. He wanted to be the one, telling Chuck what had happened eventually he had assigned him, looking forward his son. He wanted to be there as support, for Chuck, but also for Neil. God, please let him scrape through it, he begged. I know you hate suicide, but you must forgive him, he didn't know it better. With this on his mind he drove off.

Neil was brought to the psychological ward of the hospital. He was on strong psychotropic drugs, after he had freaked out by putting up a fight against all treatments and attacking a doctor. He fought against all actions saving his life. Death was his only wish and he did everything to get it. Therefore it was the only way of keeping him alive. They said his condition was very serious and that they were sure that he would inflict new wounds to himself, if he wasn't able to kill himself. They had to administer these drugs to him to stabilize his condition. Chuck had his own opinion towards this kind of medication and it was a complete different one, but he had no idea about medicine and maybe it was necessary, necessary for Neil to get better. Now He stood in front of the door. It took him one week to recover from his wound and another one to bring himself to visit Neil. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go to Neil. What if he freaks out again? The thought that he could have prevented this shit, tortured him. He was blinded by the idea that Marc had been back for him. Again he had forgotten Neil through the pride he had towards Marc. Marc the strong man came back, regretting his decision of leaving. Who wouldn't have been proud of this? Again he should have been more concerned of his youngest that had to struggle from day to day, fighting a lonesome war. Again nobody had seen this; instead he had covered reality with a more pleasant explanation. Jealousy. How could he have thought that Neil would lie about something like that? Why had it been so hard to believe him? He had no answer to all these questions. The only thing he knew was that he now sat in front of the ruins of his and his son's life and that it was his fault that all had come that far.

He opened the door. The first thing he saw was a barred window. He stepped closer to Neil. He was pale and his arms were fixed onto the bed. They wanted to prevent Neil from hurting himself. It was a strike through his heart when he saw this. When he was close enough he opened the straps and freed Neil's arms. Bullshit, Chuck thought while he was doing this. The effects these drugs had on Neil, confirmed his opinion about psychotropic drugs. They were no use. They only stunned, but didn't heal the pain. He saw the scar, where Neil had tried to make an end. How despaired must a person be, able to do something like this? And why hasn't he seen this desperation? It least he must have realized it, when he had seen the letter from NASA. He knew how much it had meant to his son, being at least in this case a part of his father's life. He went through hell to pass all exams and tests. He had heard about it. It never was easy to be his son. This was, what Marc shattered on, but Neil went through it. He knew that all said that Neil would throw in the towel, like his brother and they had let his son feel it. They had let him feel that he for them was nothing more than dirt and shit. But he fought and won. He won of the bloodiest competition the human nature invented. He not only had shown that he was nothing like Marc. He also had shown that he wasn't intimated by anything and anyone, not even by his father and his shadow.

He had to think back, when Ed Scrivens came to him, to tell him that his youngest was going to write a new NASA history. Until then he hadn't even known that his son had applied for the training. He still remembered Ed's words: _Your son really has pulled himself together. He does a very good job, if you aren't careful he'll left you in his shadow. Who ever had thought about your troublesome junior rewriting NASA history?_ While Ed had said these sentences he had put his hand acknowledging onto his shoulder. Instead of attending to his son, making him a part of NASA, he pushed him into the position of the odd out. Ed never had understood why, but honestly he didn't either. Maybe he was pissed by Neil being the one following into his footsteps, maybe he was pissed that he never had seen the possibility for this to happen, maybe he only was afraid of him pushing him from his throne leaving him in his dust. Now it was too late, he had done and said things he now regretted, but he wasn't able to make them undone, thus he had to live with it, hoping that Neil once might have the greatness to forgive him. A greatness he never has had, but greatness he believed Neil capable of having it. A greatness, if he has had it, which could have made things better, which could have saved his relationship to his Mum and to his sister.

Neil opened his eyes. It was as if he was looking through a vial. He saw his father.

"What are you doing here?" he mumbled. He was numb by the drugs they gave him, thus it took him a bit to wake up.

"I'd better asked the same question." Chuck answered quiet. Neil's eyes were dim and his voice emotionless by all the medication. This brought Chuck to his limit, but he had to stay. He had to force himself to stay. It had been his fault and he wouldn't run away again. This time he would stay and try to clean up the mess he had left.

"They wanted to get us down. But they failed." Chuck said. In somehow he hoped he could encourage his son. "Neil they didn't get us down." Chuck said intensely, but Neil turned onto the side away from him, curling up, as if he still was this little boy, being afraid of a thunderstorm. No, you're not giving up. You never did so and you never will, Chuck thought.

"Promise me that they won't get you down." he told his son. He wouldn't accept his son giving up. Not because of disrespect, but because he didn't want to be the reason, why his son was shattered for the rest of his life, he didn't want to be the reason why his son lost his will to fight.

"Stop this shit. I already dropped down. Maybe this time it's the right one." Neil answered in a quiet and sad voice. He was fed up with his father and with himself. There was no need to fight for anything. There was nothing left to fight for. He would never be able to fix the relationship with his Dad and it wasn't existent anymore, he wasn't existent anymore. There was nothing left from him they had taken everything from him: his family, his dream, his strength, his will and his dignity.

Chuck didn't understand what his son wanted to say with that. "What are you talking about?"

"I guess you remember the night, when Marc left, the first time round. After I got all your frustration and rage you stood there looked into my eyes and said: _How bad must I have sinned when the wrong one left and the wrong one remained._ Still today I can feel all your hate and aversion to me you have had then. All I wanted was to hurt you as you've hurt me that night and I succeeded." Neil finished. While he spoke these words he felt nothing. Maybe because of the medication, maybe because he was afraid of feel what he had felt in this specific night, maybe for him fighting for a never existing relationship turned into a waste of time. No, at least he had accepted that he would never be more than a burden for anyone. And this acceptation made him feel nothing, while he had to think back to this night.

When Neil had said this, it was the first time when Chuck realized what he had said in this night. It was the first time he realized that he had behaved worse than his father ever had. It was the first time he realized that he had given Neil the feeling of being worthless. After he had realized all this he could have kicked himself into his ass.

"Neil, it was a hard time then. I didn't know what I was saying." Chuck tried to apologize although he was sure that something like that couldn't be apologized, never.

"Yeah, sure." Neil answered indifferent.

"Damn it Neil. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Chuck lost patience with his son. He wouldn't let his son slip into the hole of indifference. "Do you listen to yourself? This is not you. You never would leave it with that. You would let me feel, how a lousy Dad I am, but you would never run away like this." Chuck barked at his son, in attempt to wake up the Neil he had witnessed the end of the world with, the Neil who always had caught him up and brought him back normal. He failed. "Who the fuck are you, to tell me, who I am?" Neil's reaction was clear. He turned away from his father. He had given up, no strength left to fight, no will to show that he would never give in, no heart to see what damage he would cause if he would get lost in there. It broke Chuck's heart, but what was he supposed to do? Neil was right. Who the hell was he to tell him who he was? He never had paid enough attention to him to know. The proof was this here. If he had known him, he would have been able to prevent this, because he would have known about Neil's situation, his feelings and his thoughts.

After Chuck had raised his voice that loud, two doctors came and injected Neil another mixture of psychotropic drugs. Neil tried to put up a fight against it, but he had no chance. He was too weak and a few seconds later he faded away. This hurt Chuck badly. His son wasn't an animal or a monster. When one of the doctors saw that Chuck had opened the straps he reproved him "Mr. Taggart these are for his own safety. You can't decide to open them." after that, Chuck flew into rage. "My son is no monster, so don't dare treating him like that!"

Neil didn't realize anything of this. He had lost consciousness.

Meanwhile Angela, Sarah and Kurt met in the diner. All were shocked by the end of this story. No one of them ever had seen something like this coming.

"I feel so bad. If it hadn't been me, all this wouldn't have happened." Angela again began to blame herself. She didn't understand why she hadn't recognized anything like that. Neil had seemed normal to her, when she had seen him and then something like this turned out. She had no explanation for all this and she didn't like this. The feeling of ignorance made her anxious.

"No, Angela. The last few weeks just had been a trigger for the problem he had buried deep down, for too long. You don't have to blame yourself for that." Kurt answered her. He wasn't able to get the pictures of the scene in Neil's room out of is head. Until then he hadn't stopped thinking about, if he could have prevent this if he only had cared more for Neil, if he only had been more attentive.

"It is not worth for blaming yourself for this." Sarah said in a determining voice. She had no sympathy for Neil. He threw his life away, as if it was nothing and her little boy? He had fought so hard, so long, because he wanted to live, nevertheless God took him from her. And Neil? He only had no idea about the value of a life, when he was able to do something like this. No, she had no understanding for this. It was unfair, in somehow. If Neil didn't want to live anymore, why gave God another life to him? Why had he taken the one of her son, who has had his whole life left and wasn't ready to go? When she recognized the glances from Angela and Kurt, she began to defend her attitude. "What? Someone who handles his life that way isn't worth for still having one. What Neil has done is just ridiculous and there are no reasons to justify it. I mean nothing can be so bad to throw your life away." She was completely into rage. Why didn't Kurt and Angela understand, what she meant?

"I think we are not in the position to judge about this." Kurt answered thoughtful. They weren't because nobody knew what hell Neil went through neither in childhood nor in those three weeks of captivity. Nobody ever had though that there might be a reason for Chuck's and Neil's not existent relationship. They just took it as given and that was it. Maybe he should have asked further questions, it could have helped him to look through Neil's façade.

"You defend his behaviour?" Sarah was reluctant to believe so. People that commited suicide where selfish. They didn't give a shit about the persons close to them and how much they hurt them with their behaviour. And these people were weak. Instead facing a problem they ran away.

"I don't know." that was the truth. Kurt had no idea how to judge this. On the one hand live had a huge value, which shouldn't be wasted, even not after they got a second one, also he understood Sarah's attitude. She had lost her son, because of a terrible disease. For her the wonder of life must have a bigger meaning than for all others. On the other hand he had seen the despair Neil suffered from and he got a slight insight into Neil's life before this round started, although he hadn't paid attention to it. Actually they should have known why Neil and Chuck behaved like cat and dog, because there had been enough hints, but nobody had grabbed them. Only when it was too late he had realized what all had meant. "I just said that we can't judge about this, because we don't know what lies behind Neil. He never talked about it and the only bits we know, we got from Chuck and, sorry for that, I don't think, if he really is that innocent in this plight." He was sure that Chuck wasn't. He was a very dominant person and if he had an attitude, nobody was able to disprove it. The fact that he had left his son alone, after Paige's death should have been enough evidence for them that Neil never meant a lot to him, but they never had thought about it. Neil never gave them a reason to, he had papered over the cracks much too well to let other people uncover them.

"Maybe he had no strength and will left to take anymore. Maybe it just was an act of despair. I don't think that Neil would do this on a whim. He's much too intelligent and mature for this, although we just don't want to believe this." Angela stated.

"But if he really was that intelligent, why has he done this? I mean he didn't miss anything. He got a good education, if he needed something he got it, he had friends, he has a family. So tell me why?" Sarah still wasn't ready to understand Neil.

"Maybe education and money is not all?" Kurt hissed at her. He had no clue why Sarah, who always seemed to be the good warm-hearted Christian, reacted like this. She should be the one who reminded them that not only materiel things were important.

"Kurt is right. I mean, friends at school what is it? They are good for having fun, but if you really need them, forget it. Look what Holly has done and you understand what I'm talking about. In reality he had none, not in the first timeline and not in this one." Angela started to argue. She didn't know why. Maybe, because she wanted to keep the blame off of Neil, he didn't deserve it. Sarah began to understand what Angela meant.

"And having a father at NASA means, having a father in the news, but not at home." It is the same as having a father in politics. They never had enough time for their family. No matter how hard they tried to spend their remaining time with them, someone always fell by the wayside and she could imagine who hit it in Chuck's family.

"But his Mum, she seemed very solicitous to me." Sarah fought for her opinion, although she was sure, she had no chance. This all sounded as if Neil had missed the most important things in the world: love and comfort. Thus it was understandable that it was hard for him to go on day after day with only loneliness in his heart and mind. Corry never missed those things. It seemed hard to understand that parents might forget what was really important for their children.

"She was I'm sure. But how do you wanna explain to me that nobody realized Neil being a gifted child? This is no development from one to another second." Kurt helped Angela.

Sarah had no answer to that. Had Neil really missed more than she wanted to admit?

After that they remained in silence. The questions why Neil had reacted like this remained. The other question was how to behave with this? Should they go on and pretend as if nothing had happened? This seemed impossible, because there had happened something awful, something one couldn't connive at. On the other hand what has happened wasn't something nice to think of, it was something, nobody would like to think of, because it still was a taboo in somehow, thus it would be better to cover it. But it wouldn't be a help for nobody if they just draw the curtain over it. At least they all sat in front of a nice mess and everybody inwardly felt responsible.

Chuck drove home. In the evening he made a decision. Those doctors weren't able to help his son only with medication. This time it was his turn to help his son. Maybe he was the only one who was able to do so. Neil was needing help a lot of help. Help from someone, who understood and knew him, although Neil would never believe him, Chuck was sure that he knew his son better that he thought. It became clear to him when he had left the hospital. In somehow he always had understood his son's behaviour, only he never had faced with the facts. This was the reason, because of which Neil thought his parents never understood him. They did, but they never reacted, they never gave way, thus Neil slipped away into this hole of indifference and helplessness.

He called Kurt.

"_You want to do what? Are you serious? Don't you think it is better when he stays in the hospital? You know he's in a very critical stadium."_ Kurt tried to convince Chuck from something better.

"Kurt, if they would be able to do something for him, they wouldn't only feed him with drugs. He needs someone who helps him to solve the problem, but not one of these oversophisticated academics. If they would be able to help, instead to treating, we wouldn't have this fucking situation. He only has two options left: either he dies in there or he begins to play a role to get out of there and both solutions won't be very helpful." he wanted to persuade Kurt. He was afraid of the first option, but Neil really seemed as if he had given up, without strength left for playing a role.

"_Okay, and how can I help you?"_

"I thought you belong to those people that know everything. Can't you find some arguments with which we can get him out there?"

"_Sure. But Chuck you know what you're going to do? This is not going to be easy. Is there anyone who's going to help you? To support you so that you aren't at the end the one who's broken?"_ Kurt thought that what Chuck was going to do was brave and he appreciated that Chuck now was going to take responsibility for his son. On the other hand Kurt wasn't sure if Chuck was strong enough to bear something like that alone. He had learned about Neil's problem the hard way that day he should have looked after him. It had hit him hard he still had to think about what he had said then. Who knew how he would treat his father he seemed to hate like hell?

"Don't worry about that." Chuck already knew whom he was able to trust in this situation.

"_All right then. We meet tomorrow morning."_

"Okay."

"_Chuck I hope you know what you're doing."_

"I do." Yes. This time he was sure about what he was doing.

After he had called Kurt he called his sister. After Paige died and she came to help him, without reproaching him for anything, he began to feel as if he could trust her. He wasn't able to explain why, but he thought Jenny was able to support him. She had made him finding the greatness of forgiving. She would catch him up, when he fell; otherwise she would have let him alone with the mess, after Paige's death. This thought was confirmed when Jenny showed him her entire understanding for what he was going to do and when she said she was going to get a ticket for the next flight to Texas as soon as possible. He had told her what has happened to Neil, as far as he knew about that, but left out Marc and the Cadre. But he told her about his mistake of not believing and about the fact that this might be the reason why Neil freaked out that badly. She only listened to what he had to say. She didn't blame him for anything. She agreed with him when he told her that he could be the only person who could help Neil and she supported his idea when she said that there should be more people like Chuck taking the responsibility for their children, although it meant a lot of hard, painful work.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning Chuck and Kurt were on their way to get Neil out of the hospital

The next morning Chuck and Kurt were on their way to get Neil out of the hospital. Kurt began to talk to the doctor while Chuck went to Neil's room. They had again fixed his arms. Chuck had to force himself to remain calm. He opened the straps. Neil opened his eyes.

"You don't need this." Chuck told him. It was visible that Neil was on strong medication. Kurt had told him that only then they could get Neil out there without problems. Otherwise Neil wouldn't let them help him they wouldn't be able to get too close to him. But with this quantity of drugs he wouldn't be able to recognize what was going on. Chuck didn't like making use of his son's helplessness, but he had to, if he wanted to help, if he wanted to free his son from his demons.

Chuck through cloths onto the bed.

"Put these on." he said in a strong voice. Neil looked questioning at his father. He had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't able to think about it.

"Come on." Chuck kept on.

Neil just looked at his father, but did as he told him. He was afraid that he could fly into rage again. Maybe he would hurt him if he didn't do how he was told as he has done all the times before.

Chuck had to help him. He wasn't able to stand on his own, without losing balance. Seeing his son stunned like that made Chuck angry. How could these people tell him they were helping his son? They only fed him with drugs, but this didn't solve his problems. That was what he needed, someone who figured out, what he was suffering from and then help him to find a solution.

The doctor stormed into the room. "You can't take him home!" he screamed.

"Sorry Chuck, I wasn't able to convince him." Kurt apologized.

"Oh, yes I can and if I were you I wouldn't try to stop me!" Chuck answered in a strong, military voice.

"But you are no psychologist. You have no idea how to treat him."

"And you don't do either. If you'd know what is really wrong with him, you wouldn't feed him with medication, but try to help him!" with these words Chuck forced his way through the door with his son. Neil was too weak to walk on his own. Kurt and Chuck had to help him. Neil didn't recognized what was going on. Everything was wrapped into an obscure vial.

When they got home Chuck and Kurt brought Neil into his room and lay him onto his bed. He was completely faded away. Chuck put a blanket over Neil, who was shivering. His body was cold. Kurt told him that his circulation was impeded by the medication, it could last a bit, until Neil was sober again. It also might be that he could get some withdrawal symptoms, because he must have been on hard drugs. For Chuck all this didn't sound good. He saw the bruises on his son's arm, where they must have grabbed him to inject him the drugs forcibly. He saw several blue and purple injection marks. But worse of all were the thin, long scars on his wrists. Why hasn't he been able to prevent this? Why hasn't he seen it coming? His and Paige's worse fear had become true; one of their sons had lost his path. They had known that it could happen, but they haven't intervened. They never had thought about why Neil began to hate himself that much that for him dead was the only solution. Today Chuck knew why. Neil had begun to struggle. Struggle to hide who he was. When he was the little undemanding boy, who was a straight A-student, never made problems, nobody paid attention to him. There was no need for. When he turned out to be a problem child taking drugs and alcohol, instead of going to school, they only tried to correct these mistakes with punishment, not recognizing that this was the penalty for not helping and supporting him, when he had needed them most. And when he again turned into the genius, he always had been they reproached him with it. If they just once had shown him that being a bit different from the rest was okay, Neil would have been able to cope with his situation. But that way, he only was confirmed in his thought he had to hide himself.

Neil woke up in the evening with a bad headache. He was confused to find himself in his room. What has happened? Had it just been one of those horrible nightmares after a party with bad shit? But a striking pain in his knee and his stomach reminded him of the fact that all had been real. Panic arose inside of him. How did he come here again? Where was his brother, would he come back again to torture him? What about his father? Although if his brother wouldn't be there. His father still would. Who knew what he would do to him, after Neil had damaged his life? He would punish him, as usual. He would do as he had done always when Neil had messed up something, with the only difference that Neil now had messed up his father's life for ever and he wouldn't be able to repair it. Again he remembered the slowly steps coming towards his room. He always had known what the meant. Yep, Neil had crashed and burnt and his father let him feel that even after Neil had managed to get up onto his feet again on his own. That was when Neil recognized that he never could be what he was, because he always would be wrong. He was like a red rag to a bull. He began to feel nauseous. He ran to the bathroom and began to throw up. It hurt in his stomach, but he couldn't suppress it. After his stomach was calm again, he rinsed out his mouth with cold water.

"Neil?" he could hear his father's voice. No, not him, he thought, went back to his room and tried to hide on his bed, by rolling up into a ball. He wanted to blank out his father's existence. The door opened. He shrugged. It was his father he wasn't able to blank him out. He would be everywhere every time. Neil got up of his bed as fast as he could, but he had problems with his knee what made it hard for him to stand and he felt dizzy. Again he felt panic. He didn't want to see his father. He only would try to hurt him, for what had happened.

Chuck came closer to Neil. He saw fear and panic in his son's eyes. "Hey, how do you feel?" he asked carefully.

"Who cares?" Neil hissed back.

Chuck hadn't expected another reaction from his son. "Do you need something?" he stayed calm, although it was hard to do so.

"I don't." Neil's voice was frozen.

"Okay." Chuck wanted to touch his son, but Neil stepped back "Step away." he warned his father. Chuck went back. No, this won't be easy, but it had to be done. This was the only way he could win back his son's confidence.

When Chuck was gone Neil began being all over a tremble. He had to get out of this house, out of his father's nearness. He tried to open a window, but it was locked. He was sure that he would freak out if he had to stay longer. He had to wait until his father was gone to bed then he had a chance to escape.

Chuck sat in the kitchen with his sister. She had arrived a few hours after he had brought Neil home.

"You had no success?" she asked in her warm voice.

"Nope, he doesn't trust me and he has all reason to." Chuck became thoughtful. He raked his brain for a solution but there was nothing.

"It sounds as if there had been more than just this liar-thing." she knew her brother so she was able to see, when he hide something, but this situation wasn't a proper one for hiding things. If he wanted her to help he had to show his hands.

"Well discerned Mrs. Watson." he answered shortly. He looked into her eyes and understood that this answer wasn't satisfying to her. He had to tell her. He would feel relieved if he could share this burden. The problem was how would she react?

"There was a time, where …" how should he go on? Just go on, he thought.

"Neil had…" no, it wasn't fair to start with Neil. He had to start with himself.

"I had a lot of work and Paige in somehow was overtaxed with me, with the household and so on and then as this wasn't enough Neil's drug and alcohol excesses became worse and worse and then…" Chuck left out that this all had happened in another timeline, in a time in which Paige was still alive and Marc had pushed off, because he wasn't able to bear the pressure they had put onto his shoulders.

"We weren't able to build up a relationship of confidence with him. We didn't pay attention to him, no wonder that he turned out like that one day. I mean, we never have seen what a genius he is. I can't imagine what an agony it must have been for him not being supported that way he needed to be. It was because… we never had time for him, sent him to summer camps, instead of taking him with us. It just wasn't the right time for him and than when the problems began we were arguing with him, yelling and screaming at him, instead of searching for the reason.… I wasn't better than Dad sometimes I guess I've been even worse. And then I began to tell him that he was the wrong son." Now it was out. Okay, not the whole truth, but he couldn't tell his sister about the time travel and that this had happened after Marc had pushed off. Chuck still felt sorry for what he had done, but he has had no control then. He wasn't thinking about what he was saying. While he was thinking about all this, he remembered that this night it hasn't been the last one he told Neil that he was the wrong one. Oh my God, what have I done, was the only though in his head.

"You did what?" Jenny asked confused as if she wasn't sure if she had understood what her brother had said a few seconds ago.

"I reacted like Dad reacted when he lost patience with me. I just started ignoring him, pretending as if he's not existing and when it became worse with him he got to feel that. I let him feel that he wasn't more than a troublesome burden. We just weren't able to cope with him." he sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"O my God, that's really no good basis for a relationship."

"I never told him that I was sorry, we never told him that. I don't think that he forgot about it and I can understand when he still takes it amiss. Eventually we blamed him for our mistakes. I'm sure if we'd only paid more attention to him, it all would have been easier for all of us." he had the feeling as if he suffered by this more than Neil had done. Recognizing that he was as a lousy father as his father had been - even worse - made him anxious. What had been with his ideals? Why had he always said that he would be better than him? And why hasn't he been able to be better?

Jenny took his hands and looked into his eyes "Then it's up to you to show him that you're really sorry about it."

"I know, but that's what makes the whole thing so complicated."

"He's refusing you as you were refusing Dad. I can only appeal to you not to make the same mistake our Dad has done. Don't let him go off with his hate. It wouldn't do you or Neil any good."

It was the first time she spoke about the past and it was the first time she didn't blame him for the mess between him and his father, but blamed his father for his behaviour. He noticed that he always had thought of him being the reason for it, not his father. His sister now was the first person who told him that it hadn't been his entire fault and it was a relieving feeling.

It was late at night. Neil hadn't been able to sleep again. Fear and panic kept him far away from sleep. After he had heard his father coming upstairs but not going down stairs, he was sure that he now was able to escape from his prison. Carefully he went down stairs. He had to, because his knee still was hurting badly. When he had finished half of the stairs he saw that there still was a light in the kitchen. He wanted to go back. He would do everything not to see his father; he would do everything to avoid his father's nearness.

"Is it you Neil?" Neil heard a familiar female voice asking. He was turning back and there she was.

"Jenny, what are you doing here?" he couldn't think about a reason why his aunt should be here now. His father couldn't be the reason they both hated each other like cat and dog.

"Your Dad asked me to come and help him a bit."

Okay, that really wasn't what Neil would have thought of. His father must have been despaired if he asked his sister for help.

"Do you want a tea? I think you're allowed to drink green tea." she smiled at him.

"Umm…" he hesitated. He had no excuse ready.

"Come on!" she wanted to touch his hand, but he avoided her. Nobody was supposed to come that close to him. It was too easy to hurt him then. He refused to come with her, but he also wasn't able to go back into his room.

"Hey, I'm not going to leave you like this." she kept on in her quiet voice. She looked into his eyes, he immediately drooped his glance towards the floor. There was no way to get out of this. Without a word he followed her into the kitchen.

After he had taken the first sip of tea he felt how the warmth spread through his body. Now he realized that he felt ice cold. He took the cup tight into his hands.

"How do you feel?" she asked him. She hasn't lost her warm voice.

"Don't know." this was the best way to keep everything hide.

Jenny threw a look onto the scar on his wrist. Seeing this, made the whole situation more serious as it seemed at the beginning. It made this so real, what frightened her a bit. Nobody ever had thought of Neil being such vulnerable that he would find such a solution for his problems.

"Why do you refuse everybody?" she kept on.

"I don't do that. I'm just not the Everybody's-Darling-Type." he didn't want her to look through him.

"Then you and your Dad have something in common." she laughed.

Neil didn't answer to this statement. Inwardly he wished that he and his father had nothing in common.

"You know that he really feels sorry about that he hadn't believed you?"

"Yeah, it's okay." he began to feel bad. He must try to get out of this.

"If you know, why do you still refuse him? Is it because he ignored you, as if you weren't existent? Is it because he told you, you were the wrong son? Is this why you don't trust him?" she dug deeper and deeper into his soul. It began to hurt. He had to stop this.

"Don't you think you have enough own problems to solve before you start with me?" with these words he stood up and went into his room. He wanted to lock the door, but the key was gone.

He sat down on his bed. What should he do now? He was completely in his father's mercy now. Fear began eating up his soul. He wouldn't sit in this mess, if he had died that was for sure. Everybody could have lived in peace. For all pain and damage he had caused he didn't deserve anything better. Fear changed into painful guilt. It had all been his fault. It was his fault that all tried to hurt him. No this was what he deserved. It was his fault that his father had been shot. Always he could have been the one who could have prevented everything, but he did nothing instead of running away. He felt how his inside began to break more and more and he couldn't do anything against it. He had to find a solution out of this mess. He had to repair what he had damaged. Guilt again changed into fear. Fear that they would begin to hurt him more and more, that they would try to get him down until he was shattered, until there was nothing left of him. Fear changed into guilt, guilt that he was the one who started the ball rolling, and now he had to carry the can for it. He had to force himself to maintain composure. With every single thought, with every single feeling it was as if wasn't able to hold up right his shell. He didn't realized how long he was sitting on his bed like that. He didn't realize the light penetrating through his window. Maybe he didn't want to realize this. He didn't want to realize that another day of guilt and fear had started.

The door opened and his Dad came in. Neil turned his face away. He felt too ashamed to look into his father's face.

"As I see, you didn't sleep." Chuck began a conversation. He sat onto the other side of the bed, so he wouldn't frighten his son again, like had done last evening.

Neil didn't answer. He wasn't supposed to answer after all what he had done.

"Okay, I'm honest. I don't know how to get the secrets out of you, without you recognizing it. So I'd better ask what your problem is. Maybe you can tell me without any psyche games." Chuck hoped that being honest would help his son to trust him again. But nothing.

Neil didn't answer. That was what his father wanted. He wanted him to humiliate himself. His father was trying to hurt him the worse way he could think off. He wanted to torture him. He wanted that guilt dug into his soul like a knife. Wasn't it enough that Neil was aware of what he had done? Wasn't it enough that he had to live with the thought of guilt through his whole life?

"Neil please, talk to me" Chuck nearly began to beg "I really want to know what goes on inside of you, but I can't if you're not talking to me."

From one to another second Neil jumped onto his feet, what he regretted immediately after the pain in his knee became worse, but he kept straight face.

"What do you want to know? That it was my fault that Mum died? That it was my fault that Marc found the wrong persons? That it was my fault that you've been shot? What else do you wanna know?" he screamed into his fathers face. He wouldn't let his father hurt him again. To Neil it was clear that he had done a lot of mistakes. He didn't need his father to tell him that.

Chuck now understood that Kurt had been right. But how could he convince his son from something better?

"That's not true."

"Shut up." Neil answered. He didn't understand what his father wanted to aim at.

"Neil, this all wasn't your fault. I know that and you should do as well." Chuck tried to remain calm, what wasn't that easy, because Neil was close to get him into rage again with his indifference. He got up.

"Neil, Mum's death isn't your fault. It had been these freaks and you know that, you had been there. And nobody could have known that Marc would become a part of the Cadre. We all thought he had no idea about all this, so why do you have known better? Why should you have been the one, pretending his change? He was my son and it had been my duty to watch him, not yours." He tried to explain his son, why he wasn't the one to blame for. He started an attempt to get closer to Neil, but he failed.

"Come on Neil. Stop blaming yourself for something which wasn't in your hand."

"Stop talking about things, you don't understand." Neil stepped back to avoid his father. He was afraid of his father nearness.

"Neil…" but his son cut into his sentence. "What do you want?" his voice was cutting and cold. A sign for Chuck that Neil wasn't himself anymore that he was freaked out completely. He switched from one mood to another in one and the same second. That was what made the whole thing that dangerous, because nobody could predict how Neil would react in the next second.

"Neil I want to help you, but I can't if you reject every attempt." he had to stay calm. So he swallowed down his anger and his rage.

"You want to help me?" Neil asked in a cheapened voice. "You never helped me, so why now?" Neil understood what his father had up to his mind, but he won't give him a chance to do so.

"Maybe because now it's time to do so?" Chuck answered.

Neil turned away from him. "Do you know what you really want? You want to see me shatter, to get your proof that I always would be the looser, the screwed up and good for nothing, less worth than dirt, but I won't allow you to do so. I won't allow you to worship Marc at my expenses." his voice was calm again. Again this sign for Chuck that Neil wasn't himself. He was staggering from one mood to another, from cold calculating to sarcasm. Normally Neil would stay calm and treat him with contempt or he would leave him or Neil would give him a piece of his mind, but he wouldn't react that confused.

Chuck decided it was better to leave him. It wasn't because he was afraid of Neil. It was because he had no control of this situation. He couldn't predict what would happen. Neil has become a ticking time bomb with the only difference that nobody could say when he would explode.

After Chuck was gone, Neil began to hate himself. For what he was, for what he had done. He meant pain for all people around him. That's why he didn't want his father in his near. He meant damage to all he knew that's why he tried to avoid his aunt. He didn't want to destroy her life as he had destroyed his father's life and that's why all wanted to hurt him more and more. But now they had a reason they hadn't had before all what has happened, after he missed his way. This feeling gnawed at him until it became unbearable. They had taken his razorblade away, but he had hid another one, nobody had found. He began to cut. But no matter how often and how deep, the hate inside increased and became stronger and stronger. No matter how much blood poured out of the wounds, his soul wasn't satisfied.


	11. Chapter 11

Chuck went into the living-room, thinking over his crossword puzzle

Chuck went into the living-room, thinking over his crossword puzzle. Jenny came in, with a cup of coffee for him. She sat down on the sofa next to him.

"It seems as if he is a tough nut to crack." she said.

"Yes, and I don't know how to cure him from his fantasy that he is responsibility for everything." he sighed and nipped from the coffee.

"Did you tell him that this is bullshit?" she asked him.

"Not in this words, but I did."

They stayed in silence. "Did you ever think that you maybe shouldn't kid-glove him?"

Chuck looked questioning at his sister.

"Don't look at me like a car where the lights are being switched on. I meant that the sensitive way doesn't work. You must force him to see his problem and not always let him draw back into his shell."

Chuck had thought about this but hasn't dared to do so. "I'm not sure. I can't lose him likewise. I mean he was the one who brought me back to normal, when he said I can't go on like this, although it took me a few weeks to realize. He had always been there and with his behaviour he not only put me into rage, he also made me see clearer often. I can't risk losing him and the feeling of confidence." he whispered that last three words. In somehow it was embarrassing. Neil gave him, what he never had gotten from him, love, confidence, support and the most important after Paige's death, comfort.

"Can't you risk losing him because of him or because of you?"

What? What was this question supposed to mean? Because of his son or of him? Didn't he want to lose him, because he wouldn't be able to deal with it, or didn't he want to lose him, because Neil deserved it to life? Chuck had no idea how to answer this question. He took Neil's presence as granted, in somehow. Did he all this because of Neil or because he was afraid of remaining lonely in a house, too huge for one person; and useless because he wasn't able to help his wife and maybe his youngest and because he had forced his oldest son to fight against him.

"Chuck, you only can help Neil, if you know what he means to you." Jenny dragged him out of his thought.

"I don't know." he answered, ashamed that he couldn't answer one of the easiest questions of the world. Jenny didn't keep on with her way of asking him. She gave him time to think.

Did Neil only mean a helping hand to him or was there more? Was Neil just the genius without whom they probably wouldn't be able to save the world, or did he mean something to him more than that? He had to think of Neil who couldn't wait to see the world and thus decided to come into the world a few months earlier than planned, this little boy, who couldn't have been happier, when his Dad or his Mum spent a few minutes with him, to explain or show him something new. He had to think of these big, brown eyes, which had been curious about every little secret the world had hid for him to explore, and how this gift made him and Paige learn, to see the world as a huge treasure. This little boy, who was always laughing, it was for sure that Neil always had been a little cheeky-monkey, but a loving one. With this bright memory came those of the nights when he and Paige set in their bed, thinking about a plan how they could offer more time to this boy, because again they had neglect him. They never had found one. But in somehow Neil didn't need them. He always was occupied with something. He was able to watch a frog for hours and if the weather had been bad he found enough interesting things in the house. He never made trouble, neither in school nor at home. Maybe this impression made them blind about the urgency of such a plan. But when Neil turned form a quiet boy, eager to learn into a rebel, who was against everything, it had been too late. But still this time wasn't only bad, despite alcohol, drugs, long parties and skipping school, there had been moments in which the warm-hearted and smart boy was able to force his way through this shell. When he comforted his Mum after she got to know that her mother had been ill. And even after Neil had turned into a much too adult and calculating man, he never had been able to hide his warm-hearted soul. Was it that what Neil meant to him? That this boy, no matter how hard he tried to hide it sometimes, was the most warm-hearted and undemanding person he knew? Was it this little boy what Chuck tried to save? This little boy who, no matter how hard days were, always found a way through it? Always found a solution and always showed him that there were not only rainy days? Yes it was. Chuck wasn't able to think of a life without this cheeky-monkey, who cares more of everyone else then for himself. He wasn't able to think of a life without him, as he hasn't been able to think of a life without Paige. This cheeky-monkey, who was too afraid to show his feelings because he was frightened that someone could hurt him again, like they always did. This little boy, who was too afraid to show his feelings because he was afraid, one could see through his shell. He never let someone look through it because he must have the feeling of never being right. Not for them, not for his former friends, for anybody. No, he didn't want to save Neil just because of himself. Neil was more for him than just a helping hand, as he had to recognize now. The only question remaining was why he hadn't thought about that before, why hadn't he recognized that Neil was more for him before? Maybe he belonged to those persons who must be faced with the fact that something they took as granted might not be there for ever, to realize the real value they had for him. The only problem was how he could make it clear to Neil that he was not only a burden, a liar and a good for nothing for him? He began to feely lousy. If he had known earlier what Neil meant to him, maybe Neil never had gotten the feeling being responsible for every shit. He wouldn't blame himself for other people hurting him and maybe he wouldn't try everything to hide himself.

"Why don't we appreciate the presence of people until it's too late?" he asked his sister.

"It's not too late!" she answered up set.

"Yeah, maybe. But he's rejecting me and I have no idea how I can reach him. Probably I thought wrong when I felt I knew him better, than those shrinks."

"You can't throw in the sponge now! You have to help him I know you can."

Chuck just sat there. He had the feeling as if the whole thing had been one of the biggest mistakes he could have done. He had the feeling as if he had already lost Neil for ever. He had to think about the scenes, when he had tried to talk to Neil. Neil had behaved as if he had been one of his biggest enemies and he was right. In somehow Chuck ever had been an enemy for Neil. He had hurt him, he had threatened him and he had called him a liar. He gave him a lot of reason which forbid him to trust his father.

"Chuck, listen. Neil still is here, in this house. He could have run through the front door and never come back. But he is still here. Don't you think that this is a sign? Don't you ever think that his behaviour might be a cry for help? A cry for your attention, like his rebel-behaviour had been?" she asked him intensely.

"And why doesn't he let me help, if it this is what he wants?" he yelled at his sister. It wasn't because of what she had said. It was, because he had no idea how to help his son and it was because he was angry of himself, because he hasn't seen his son's despair earlier, he hasn't been able to prevent this, although he knew what demons lived inside of Neil.

"Chuck you can't chicken out only because it's going to be more complicated than you've thought before." she looked into his eyes, to show him the importance of what he had to do.

She was right. He had to fight for his son, for what he was. He had to save him from a change he would regret later. Neil needed him he just wasn't able to tell him this. The demon inside hindered him. He stood up.

"What are you going to do?" Jenny asked.

"I go and tell him that he has to stop this bullshit and that he has to start trusting me."

"That's exactly what I tried to tell you the whole time."

"Yes and maybe he has more in common with me I would wish he had." with these words he went back to Neil. Chuck was sure about what he had to do and how he wanted to do it. He had to tear down the brick wall Neil had build around him over years, also when it meant being rude.

He went into Neil's room, but what he found was a shock. Neil sat on his bed. Blood pouring out of cuts he inflicted upon himself a few seconds ago.

"What the hell are you doing?" he screamed at his son while he took the razorblade lying on the bed.

"Neil, tell me what are you thinking while you're doing this?" he didn't stop screaming. He was up set. He had thought that Neil might have learned a little, but he still was in the same bad condition he had been before he was send to hospital.

Neil was shocked, when his father entered the room. Panic arose inside of him, when he began to scream and than hate. Hate for what his Dad had done to him, hate because he was thinking he could treat him like nothing.

Chuck got closer to Neil, who got up from his bed. Neil tried to avoid him, but Chuck didn't give him a chance to run away. He grabbed his arms. Neil jostled him back. Chuck wondered how much strength still was left in this mistreated body. He was sure that he was going to carry away some bruises form this.

"Don't touch me!" Neil hissed. His voice was ice cold. He wouldn't allow his father to treat him like puppet.

Chuck noticed that Neil was looking for a way to escape out of this situation. He started a new attempt to catch a grab at Neil's arm, but it wasn't that easy. Neil defended himself with all his force he had left.

"Neil, damn it, I don't want to hurt you." Finally Chuck prevailed Neil. He held him tight, so that he wasn't able to defend himself. Neil turned his head away. He didn't want to see his father's face.

"Tell me, why are you doing this?" Chuck still screamed and foreboded at the cuts in his son's arms. He wanted to make clear to Neil that he was in a dangerous situation, but he had no other method to do so, than screaming.

Neil still didn't answer. He had no answer to this question. He had no idea, why he was doing all this.

"What leads you to something like this?" Chuck still had raised his voice, as if he thought Neil wouldn't understand him otherwise.

Neil wasn't able to answer.

"Why do you still think you're to blame for all this?" Chuck asked him intensely. He bombarded his son not with questions, but with facts.

"Why have you to hurt yourself so bad?"

Neil tried to get out of his father's grip. But the more he fought, the tighter became the grip.

Chuck felt that Neil wanted to run away, but he wouldn't allow him doing so.

"Why do you do this?"

He turned his head away. He felt how his father's grip became tighter and tighter.

Chuck tried to make Neil aware of his presence, of the fact that he had a problem. Only when Neil saw that his behaviour wasn't right, he was able to see his problem.

"Why do you do this?" No, he wouldn't stop asking until he got an answer.

All of a sudden fury arose inside of Neil. What was his father thinking? He always hurt him without regrets, but if Neil tried to prevent his father from hurting him, he was blamed for that? He didn't understand his father. No, he understood him. His father wanted to hurt him on his own and now he had no chance to do so, because Neil had forestalled him.

"Why do you do this?" Chuck wanted an answer. He had to prevent Neil committing suicide a second time. It would be his end. If he allowed him to do it again there would be no chance to win him back and there would be no chance for his son, to live again. He had to save Neil from himself.

"Neil, I don't want to have to treat you, like those from the hospital, so you'd better talk to me now!"

Neil lost patience. He wanted his father leaving him alone, as he usually did. He didn't want these questions and he didn't want to talk.

"Where is your problem?" Neil screamed back to his father. "You were all allowed to hurt me after I've messed it up, but I'm not? This is my body, so YOU shouldn't be allowed to hurt me, but you were!" He screamed. With every word he screamed he felt how his feelings found their way out of the depth of his soul onto the surface. He tried to keep them inside, but it was hard to do so. He didn't want to scream, but his feelings forced him to do so. He had no control over them anymore. His head wasn't working for him as usual. His feelings had the control over him, his body, his behaviour.

"We weren't allowed to do so." Chuck answered in a calm voice. He had the feeling as if he had reached the edge from which it was about Neil to do the rest of the work. He had shown him the way how to let out, what he had buried over years, deep down in his soul. Now it was Neil's job to let it go.

"But you all did. Again and again, no matter how I felt!" The strain left his body. He had screamed out all his feelings, which had torn and gnawed on his soul over years. The burden he had carried over years dropped down. These few words brought to surface, what he had buried deep down inside year after year. Feelings he never wanted to show anyone, because he had been afraid of them. Feelings he just wanted to forget. These feelings, which had made him suffering that much over years, because he hasn't allowed them, were out now. He began to feel weak. He wasn't able to keep up the shell he had built up to save himself from being hurt. Why? What he was most afraid of had happened, why should he keep on holding upright his shell? Now it didn't matter anymore what was going to happen. Again he had lain himself open to an attack. He would submit to it.

Chuck felt how the tension left his son's body. "You're right, but we were all not allowed to do so." he had to calm his son down, to give him security.

"But you did." Neil whispered now. He had no strength left. His knees gave way and he slumped down.

Chuck still held Neil's arms to prevent him from hitting the floor. Neil's body now was all of a shake.

"We weren't allowed to do so." Chuck answered again.

Neil felt that the shell he had built around himself was torn down, but with the exhaustion a huge relief spread through his body. After he had said those words it seemed as if the burden he carried on his heart was gone in somehow. He wasn't afraid of his father or about that he might hurt him. He didn't even felt hate for him. In the moment there was nothing what he felt despite sadness. Sadness about his father who had lost so much over the last year, sadness about his mother who had to die much too early, sadness about his brother and what this time travel forced him to do, sadness about everything Sarah, Angela and Kurt who had to suffer from so much over the last year, sadness about more or less everything.

"And why did you do so?" he asked and looked into his father's eyes. They weren't cold or full of hate. They were inspiring confidence, a feeling he had missed much too long over years.

"We didn't know it better?" Chuck tried to find an explanation, but he had none. None which could apologize what they had done. He looked back into his son's eyes, reflecting sadness, but they had reached their warmth back. He saw how they were filling with tears.

He took him into a tough embrace. He wanted to save him. Save him from getting hurt again. He wanted to save him from the demons which had followed him for so long. He wanted to show him, to let him feel that he was okay the way he was and that nobody would hurt him again that he would never hurt him again, that Neil hasn't to be afraid of his father hurting him again.

"It wasn't your fault. I should have realized that we were wrong. We should have realized that." Chuck tried to let Neil know that all this hadn't been his fault. He wasn't the one to be blamed for. No, it had been his own fault that everything turned out that way and the worse thing of all; he couldn't acquit Paige from this fault. They should have cared more for this little boy, to see that he wasn't a normal child, to see that he was special. They could have prevent all this if they had seen all this, if they had seen who Neil was in reality, if they had seen all this, they could have helped him, Chuck was sure about that.

"Neil, can you promise me one thing?" again he looked into his son's eyes. "Never try again to hurt yourself okay!? Nobody is worth for something like that."

Neil didn't answer.

"Promise me." Chuck kept on. Then he looked in his son's eyes and again met with this helpless look that reminded him of the little boy he had been.

"I can't." Neil answered, not sure how to explain his Dad, what goes on inside of him, when he reacted like this. "I mean…I wouldn't do this if it was just a kind of decision…it's not…I can't control this, so how can I promise something?" He felt ashamed of how he had behaved the last days. He felt as if he had acted liked a little child. He felt uncomfortable because of that. He wasn't a teenager anymore he should have found another way.

"Then you have to control it." Chuck wanted to encourage Neil, but soon he had to figure out that this wasn't working.

"If it was that easy, I already would have done so." he tried to explain his father, "I mean… I…" He nearly whispered these words. He had no idea how to express what he wanted to tell his father.

Chuck noticed his son struggling for the right words. "You can't switch off year head."

Neil nodded. "It's helpful for your work at university, if reading a book doesn't take you longer than two or three hours and being able to understand, and reminding the whole stuff is not that bad as well and knowing how to handle figures and all that is really helpful for saving the world, but if your head never gives you a time out?" It was the first time Neil talked to his Dad about that. He wanted his father to understand that living with his so called "gift" wasn't as easy as all thought it was. "Pot, alcohol and what ever drugs I've taken only to get a break."

"Or your parent's help." Chuck added thoughtful. He had to admit that he never had thought about such a gift as an agony. "Can I ask a question?" Chuck asked when he realized that Neil had steadied himself again. He still was shivering, but Chuck figured that it was because of the medication, they had given to Neil. Added to that he must have been tiered, he still hasn't been able to eat a real meal or to sleep.

"Yapp." he looked at his Dad.

"I…How…?" Chuck had no clue how to ask this question without hurting his son.

Neil looked at his father and knew what he wanted to know, so he helped him by answering the question before it was asked.

"Inversion." when he saw that his father wasn't sure what he meant he went on, "Rational and logical thinking: If you get ignored when you don't make any trouble, than you have to make trouble to stop that."

"But that's such a complicated thought. I would never come to something like that on my own." Chuck stated.

"That's what I wanted to explain to you."

"I guess I understand what you mean." For a while they sat on the floor of Neil's room.

Chuck got up "I think we should clean this and put a bandage on. An inflammation is the last thing you need right now." Chuck helped Neil onto his feet. It was visible for him that this boy had not much strength left.

"I'm sorry for the trouble I'm making." again Neil felt ashamed for his behaviour, ashamed because his Dad, who had enough up to his mind, was bothered by him, who should be able to deal with his life on his own.

Chuck sighed. "Neil, you don't have to be sorry." Chuck said in a quiet, but determining voice. It felt like a striking pain through his heart, when Neil said those words. "If we had seen, what is going on in your head, we…could have found a help or something like that. We could have cared more." Chuck became sad by the thought what a little bit more attention could have prevent.

"How?" Neil asked. Chuck didn't understood what Neil meant, until he went on.

"Mum did everything in her hand to support Marc and me. It wasn't her fault that she didn't reach me. And you…you had your job, I mean NASA is not like going to work in the morning and finish work in the evening, it's not only a way to earn a living and this time I know what I'm talking about."

Again Neil was able to surprise his father with his maturity. And in one point he was right. Only with the right passion one was able to bare this heavy training, and the hard work later. Neil must have had this passion otherwise he never would have been able to go through it as if it wasn't more than a high school project. No, he knew exactly what all this meant to Neil, his first trip to space and as it seemed his last one. Watching this vocation shattering made him sad. He would have given his own health for his son's that he could live his dream. He wasn't able to imagine how hard it must have been for Neil to realize that he never would be able to enter NASA. He only knew that he had to help him to cope with this and maybe he would find something else which satisfied him, but Chuck didn't count on that. He looked at Neil. After he had talked about NASA his look had changed and Chuck understood that he wasn't able to cope with the idea to find another vocation.

"Hey, what about your studies?" Chuck began to change the topic when he saw that Neil began to feel uncomfortable.

"Ahm…" Neil was confused by this topic change but he was pleased about that. He didn't want to think about his Mum, because it hurt him too much, not about NASA, because it was hard to deal with the fact that he never would get where he once had bee and where he was contented. "It had been a child's play the first time, so it's going to be worse this time." he answered.

Chuck had to smile. He still was this cheeky-monkey.

"Would you like to come downstairs? Jenny would like to see you." he asked, maybe a little bit family comfort could help him, although there wasn't much family left.

Neil just nodded and then they both got down stairs.

Neil didn't know how long they just set in the living-room and talked about this and that, about his Mum, about the old days which seemed as if everything had been so easy then. And yes, later that day, when Jenny went to get some sleep, Neil talked about what had happened in those horrible three weeks. His father just listened, sometimes he asked him how he felt about these three weeks now and Neil told him. He told him about the horrible nightmares and his problem to understand that human beings could be cruel like that, that his brother was able to do so.

Later Chuck wanted to know if there was a difference between his attempt to cause as much pain as possible to himself this time and the time before. Yes, there was. The first time he wasn't sure, if he wanted to die. This time it seemed as if this had been the only solution. Yes, this time he really had appreciated death. Chuck told him that they would find a way to deal with what has happened and that he, from now on, would hinder his son from hurting himself. And then Neil told him what it meant, having a mind working as fast as a machine. He saw his father's astonishment when he told him that he could read sentient codes, but also his worry when he told him how this mind was able to control his whole life. Neil didn't even try to hide anything and his father listened and that was a good feeling, because in somehow his father gave him to understand that he was there now.

When he went to bed this day, it was the first time that he wasn't afraid of sleeping and it was the first night of restful and peaceful sleep since the last months.

- End -


End file.
